Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Scared Strong

Also Scared Shitless.
My last day of work is Nov 1st. 
10 years to the day when I started.
I'm moving across the state.
With no job.
No help.
Sole provider.
Failure isn't an option, but still a possibility.

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Friday, October 28, 2011

Really? Now?

I've spent the last year...I know there is a better word, adjective or phrase, but all I can summon ??? right now is: STRUGGLING/SURVIVING.
Now you contact me?
Because your girlfriend kicked you out?
And you contact me in a way of some sort of position of power, like you are doing me a favor by contacting me?
Like you are some sort of prize?
Or someone who still has some influence over me?
It might have worked, because I still don't have much of a self esteem...
Regardless of my flaws, weaknesses and naivety, I have ALWAYS been an awesome mother.
If it were just me, and not my children, I maybe could forgive.
In all honesty, you almost destroyed me.
If I didn't have my children to live for, who need me, who have NO OTHER parent, I would have eaten a bullet.  Actually, pills are what I planned.
I might have bought it. 
I actually want to.
I want the dream back.
It will be a year since, I kicked your cheating ass out of MY HOME, soon.
This "home" that is now getting foreclosed on.
I dispose of you.
I have myself back.
You didn't deserve me then, and you ABSOLUTELY don't deserve what I've become.
But thanks for the lesson.
Also, since you're so awesome, and never paid to support you OWN children, the state is after  you.

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