Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Thursday, June 09, 2011


Dear Pathetic Weak Guilty Coward,

I eventually hope to be able to co-parent with you in a positive way. 
Not for you or me, but for MY children. 
Right now, I would like you to kill yourself so at least the boys would get social security and not have to deal with your fucked up, broken, roller coaster ride anymore.  Be able to actually grieve, and heal.  Not have the wound opened up every freaking morning, when they wake up, and realize it wasn't a nightmare. 
Could you do that please?
Yeah, I didn't think so. Cowards don't do that.

So for now: I GET to be angry.  I GET to hate your fucking guts for awhile.  I get to call you names and swear at you. 
I SO get to.
You SO deserve it.
I deserve it.

I'm just now past the shock, disbelief and pain, and am on the ANGRY. 
And sometimes RAGE.  
If you pop into my brain, (it takes a while to shed 15 years)  I only see myself pummeling your head (I honestly can't remember what your face looks like)  with a baseball bat to a bloody twitching pulp.  I keep one at the front door in case the opportunity arises. 

But, guilty cowards don't knock on doors, cowards hide in cars and text their children to come out.
Guilty Pathetic Cowards, don't pay child support, and continue to LIE and lie and LIE and lie and blame other people for their problems.

I can already see the indifference coming, and I'm looking forward to it.
I understand? why you did what you did.  Because you are weak and pathetic.
But blaming me?  For being sexually abused as a child, as a way to make yourself feel better about being the PATHETIC CHEATING LIAR you are, is not OK.
Saying that you want to drag me through court and reveal all of my dirty family secrets?
But good.  Because it's made it so much easier to see what you really are...and what you n.e.v.e.r. were.
I'm going to ride with this HATE and RAGE for awhile, because it's part of the process, you deserve it, and I am not a victim, NOT yours or anyone else's. 
And honestly, it feels good and better than the pain and betrayal.

No one gets to break me.
Except myself, and I *like* myself for the first time in 36 years.

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  • At Friday, June 10, 2011 9:38:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Blaming you b/c of sexual abuse?!? WTFFF?? I am SO SORRY he turned out to be such a motherfucking asshole.

    Also, I am very grateful for your last sentence.

    <3 <3 <3

    - wry


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