Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Friday, April 29, 2011


Dear Non-readers, of this..??
Sorry, it only makes non-sense to me.

I got on the computer after fighting off a few children because I needed to BRAIN BARF.
And was momentarily hindered by an advert for "New ArmorGuard Composite Decking!"

Do you know who I am, dear ArmorGuard Composite Decking? Or what I've been through and what I'm dealing with?  Take your fucking deck, that I can not afford any way, and shove it under you fingernails.  Thanks. <3  With a guarantee!

Because of *see previous posts, I don't have TV, or land line.  I have my cell phone, which I loathe dearly.
I have Internet paid for by my renter (yes I rented out my guest house to survive. Woo) and Netflix paid by moi.
My boys have been little addicts of the TV show LOST recently, via Netflix.
I have been a partially compliant addict with them. 

We watched an episode tonight, where the survivors get off the plane. 
Umm...what is it?  The Oceanic six. 
And almost all of them are OMG welcome back, LOVE, MISSED etc.
Oh yay tender fucking shit yay.

And then there was Kate, who I'd always for un*known* reasons identified with.
Who had no one.  No one doing the OMG, LOVE, MISSED, thingy.
Just that baby in her arms.
That survived with her.
Just her terrible history to deal with, and a baby to live for.

And I cried at a fucking TV show.
Good Lard.
It's come to this.

Because I don't get parents, I don't get a husband, I get a fragmented family.
But I have children to live for.
I would have stayed on the Island with them.
Because at least when you've crashed on an island, you have a valid excuse for being alone.

Labels: , , , ,

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Sew Lou Shun

Monday, April 11, 2011


"This soldier, I realized, must have had friends at home and in his regiment; yet he lay there deserted by all except his dog. I looked on, unmoved, at battles which decided the future of nations. Tearless, I had given orders which brought death to thousands. Yet here I was stirred, profoundly stirred, stirred to tears. And by what? By the grief of one dog."

~Napoleon Bonaparte~
(on finding a dog beside the body of his dead master, licking his face and howling, on a moonlit field after a battle. Napoleon was haunted by this scene until his own death.)

Labels: ,

Saturday, April 09, 2011


Sometimes I cry.
Sometimes I don't cry.
The don'ts are more now.
Sometimes theres just the nothing.

But its OK.
Its even better.

You never realize how exhausted you were, until you don't have to work so hard anymore.
I was so busy working work work work to FIX and solve and change, to understand that it wasn't broken, it just never was...What I thought it was.
No more eggshells.

There is this...something like, relief, thing now.
It's over.
Passing grief.

I'm even glad for the way it happened.
I wouldn't have been strong enough before.
I wouldn't have believed it, if I wouldn't have read and seen each graphic detail in the emails.
Denial wasn't an option.
And somehow, the entire time he was leaving, although I didn't "know", I was getting stronger, surrounding myself with an amazing support group. 

And I'm OK.
Sometimes I'm even really good.
And I like this incredibly strong, independent person that has climbed out.