Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

14= never the same.

The hardest is my kids.
Watching them try to walk around and hold themselves together like bloody bits of hamburger.
They hurt so much for the exact person who caused the hurt.

The second is the "normalcy" twitch? 
I.E., I felt him get out of bed this morning.  I heard him in the shower, but he never came and kissed me goodbye.  Like he has done every day for the past 14 years.  Because he has been gone for a week.
I.E., I printed out the divorce papers, half read overwhelmed them, and thought of the first person that I turn to when I need.  Oopsy.  That's the man that I'm divorcing.

I've been rolllercoastering, but mostly blank,  "normal" and bestrong.
But an old dude at work, summed up the !!!!! thing for me in a few words.
Part of the hurt is hurting for what will never be, the loss of the dream. 
Like, losing my house.  It's probably going to happen.
I expected to chase my Grandchildren around on this lawn.

Anyway.  Old fart was talking about his deceased wife, and was SAD/SERIOUS when he said..." I barely got to know her, we were only married for 65 years".
But in "that" way.
Meaning, he was so interested, so fascinated and in LOVE with his wife, that 65 years was just a mean blink. 

And that's how I felt the entire time he was sleeping with someone else.

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