Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

14= never the same.

The hardest is my kids.
Watching them try to walk around and hold themselves together like bloody bits of hamburger.
They hurt so much for the exact person who caused the hurt.

The second is the "normalcy" twitch? 
I.E., I felt him get out of bed this morning.  I heard him in the shower, but he never came and kissed me goodbye.  Like he has done every day for the past 14 years.  Because he has been gone for a week.
I.E., I printed out the divorce papers, half read overwhelmed them, and thought of the first person that I turn to when I need.  Oopsy.  That's the man that I'm divorcing.

I've been rolllercoastering, but mostly blank,  "normal" and bestrong.
But an old dude at work, summed up the !!!!! thing for me in a few words.
Part of the hurt is hurting for what will never be, the loss of the dream. 
Like, losing my house.  It's probably going to happen.
I expected to chase my Grandchildren around on this lawn.

Anyway.  Old fart was talking about his deceased wife, and was SAD/SERIOUS when he said..." I barely got to know her, we were only married for 65 years".
But in "that" way.
Meaning, he was so interested, so fascinated and in LOVE with his wife, that 65 years was just a mean blink. 

And that's how I felt the entire time he was sleeping with someone else.

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Friday, November 19, 2010

Flopping around.

It's sort of like being a fish for your entire life.
Then all of the sudden your gills are ripped off.
And you can't do anything else than to try to surface and to breathe.
But the water is all you've ever known.
The water is warm.
The water is your home.
The water feels so good.

But you don't have gills or legs.
And you have to figure out a new way to survive.
And you really hate the fucking air.
And the air hurts so much, but you need it to stay alive.

P.S.  Did you understand that?
P.S.S. Me neither.
P.S.S.S. It hurts so much.

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Wednesday, November 17, 2010


LOVE patterns.
Dave left me again.
This time with a girlfriend.
I hacked his email and read every graphic detail.
I probably should have stopped reading them.
Or looking at the attached pics.
But you know, those train wrecks...
Also, I think that if I hadn't have read every word I would have never believed it.
I still keep waiting to wake up from this nightmare.
I've never felt that sort of pain or betrayal...and I've been through some stuff.
I need to get tested for STD's. 
Ha Ha, I don't go to the Doctor!
Also, disinfect car seats pronto.
Remind me to talk about the financial FUCK he left me with.  True artist.
The WORST.  Is watching my children huurrrrtttt.  Like bloody bits of hamburger trying to walk around, hold themselves together and fake like they're still human.

When pain exceeds pain-coping resources, suicidal feelings are the result. Suicide is neither wrong nor right; it is not a defect of character; it is morally neutral. It is simply an imbalance of pain versus coping resources.

And honestly, I would never do that to my children.  EVERNEVER.  But if I didn't have them, I wouldn't be typing this.

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Sunday, November 14, 2010



I did it to protect my siblings.

"There are tears behind the anger, but you just can't get to them.  Like there's a rock in your heart weighing you down, killing you, but you can't move it." ~Lisa, I Can't Get over It: A Handbook for Trauma Survivors~
Seriously, her name is:
Aphrodite Matsakis, Ph.D

P.S. I guess screwed up likes company.

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Wednesday, November 10, 2010

As Good As It Gets

What if this is just the way it is?
I'm wasting $140 a week to not talk about things that will never change?
Even if the tumor COULD be removed, the scars are still so painful and horrific.

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