Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Loop D Loop.

So here it is.
The loop that keeps fucking me up.
Yay fun thought process.

If I wouldn't have been such a ROTTEN child, my "parents" wouldn't have had to punish/abuse me. 
It was my fault, because I was so belligerently rotten.
I deserved to be belligerently abused.
Because I was a rotten child. I really was.  I acted out like you wouldn't believe. (yes I know)  So impressive, that my entire social group, church, culture, school, peers were CONVINCED.  And then of course, I was treated as ROTTEN.  Send the reinforcements!
My younger sister had a friend, whose mother wouldn't let her come to our house any more... because I was such a terrible influence.

And I used the pathetic power that I had.
It came to a point where I KNEW it was wrong, but I liked it, liked the power/attention/barfetc.

So if I would have not been so disgusting, none of it would have happened.
I would have had that childhood thing, loving, real parents, and my children would have grandparents.
(I KNOW)
I still believe it.
My brain gets it, but the rest of me doesn't.

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