Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Loop D Loop.

So here it is.
The loop that keeps fucking me up.
Yay fun thought process.

If I wouldn't have been such a ROTTEN child, my "parents" wouldn't have had to punish/abuse me. 
It was my fault, because I was so belligerently rotten.
I deserved to be belligerently abused.
Because I was a rotten child. I really was.  I acted out like you wouldn't believe. (yes I know)  So impressive, that my entire social group, church, culture, school, peers were CONVINCED.  And then of course, I was treated as ROTTEN.  Send the reinforcements!
My younger sister had a friend, whose mother wouldn't let her come to our house any more... because I was such a terrible influence.

And I used the pathetic power that I had.
It came to a point where I KNEW it was wrong, but I liked it, liked the power/attention/barfetc.

So if I would have not been so disgusting, none of it would have happened.
I would have had that childhood thing, loving, real parents, and my children would have grandparents.
I still believe it.
My brain gets it, but the rest of me doesn't.

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Wednesday, October 27, 2010


"And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can't ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see the people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it's already happened. "

-Douglas Coupland-

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Sunday, October 17, 2010

Red Flags

Your name is "Humpty Dumpty". 
I mean, I see a problem with that right away.
And're an egg?

WTF were you doing on top of that wall?
And HOW did you even get there in the first place?

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Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I think I talked?

I shared an abuse memory. 
Not with the RCD.  I can only talk around IT with him.
But he was the one who said, "it's not fair to Dave.  Dave living with the unknowns in his head.  Dave is going through every bit of this process with you.  Dave NEEDS you to talk to him about it.  Dave is hurting too."
Apparently Dave told the RCD that he wondered if my -father- was also my oldest daughters -father-.
Good fun going on in Dave's head.
And no. thankanyspaghettienoodlegrilledcheesus.

So I talked?
I'd rather call it: "Winning out loud."

But also:  If time heals everything...I'm never going to die.

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Saturday, October 09, 2010

h o p e

The RCD told me about a support group. 
With a name and number to call.
Today, I finally called.
I was at work, but had expected to leave a 3 second, non-returned voice-mail

She was very blunt.
Asked very AHH*OMG*&^$! questions in a way that assumed there wasn't a chance of you not answering.
Or in I way, that was, "I've heard everything."
The last part was encouraging.
So I answered them.
Then she said, it was her uncle.
And she said, come to this appointment.
I'll be your advocate.
Those weren't questions.

...And then said, she didn't remember the face.
...I don't remember the face either.
...I only remember hairy scary arms and other ! parts, and clothing and locations and voice...and the voice is the WORST.
And I cried.  The real kind with the connecting pain and awareness. 
Not the face leaking mandatory kind.
And locked myself in an empty hospital room until I could breathe again.

I think I just discovered how !!!!!! it is to "relate?" or to not feel AS crazy, or alone?

But also    

h o p e

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Thursday, October 07, 2010


Today, my sister, the foster parent, the AMAZING!
Got a call.  Have a new foster.  A baby less than 24 hours old.  Whose mother is in a state mental institution.  And somehow wound up pregnant?  GEeeeeeezzzzzz.

Sometimes.  I'm sorta pretty happy with my version of screwed up life.

P.S. The adoption of the three brown fosters will be finalized next month.  Oh LARD I have to go to Utard.

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