Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Cold and Dead

I have things to say.

There is this blog I've read for quite a few years.  She just found out her dad has terminal cancer.  She posted a bunch of cute childhood photos of her and her dad AT THE ZOO, IN MATCHING SUNGLASSES, AT THE GRAND CANYON, AT THE BEACH, TENDER HUGGING SHIT.  ETC. 

My reaction was totally unexpected.
I felt guilty, cold and dead about my knee jerk reaction for about three seconds.

I H.A.T.E.D. her.
I despised those stupid fucking tender pictures.
I hated that I was supposed to feel bad for her for even three seconds.
I hated her naive selfishness.
I hated her for CARING that her dad was dying.
I loathed her for having a caring dad.
I felt enraged that she had someone to be sad about.

Then, you know, the emotion passed.
And what little logic and reason I have left made me recognize where it came from.

What was so wrong with me?
Why don't I get that?
Why don't I even get ONE parent?
Why did I get TWO abusive "parents"?

Go ahead universe, get to the answers, I'll wait.
Because, what else am I supposed to do? 
Figure it out myself?
Oh yeah....

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