Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Corpus Callosum

Remembering STUFF sucks.
But it's worse, when a sibling calls with new STUFF of their own.
Especially when it's one about the really tough STUFF.

Because I hurt more for them than for me.
(I know)
Because if no one else remembers STUFF, then I am just a crazy person.
And being a crazy person is better.
Than being the person that STUFF happened to.

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Sunday, September 26, 2010

By the time I was old enough to realize what was going on...

I liked it.

I think that is where my major shame/guilt/blame thing comes from.
Was those few years. 

That I liked hearing the stairs creak in the middle of the night. 
That I liked the special treatment.
That I liked the power it gave me.
And HOW I used it.

(could anything on any planet in any solar system, at any time in history express something sicker? I feel like Hitler was a tender lamb compared to me.)

P.S. Yes of course, I'm adult now, a parent, and I understand.  Not my fault.  Blah blah blah.  Abuse.  Blah blaghh barf.
P.S.S. Feelings still trump logic and reason.

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Face Leakin' 2010

I'm 36.
I'd say in the past 30 so years of living:
I learned how to shut off.
Quite well. 
We're talking PhD here.
I learned the: THIS IS THE EXPECTED EMOTION.  Perform.
I did the functional face leak thing as needed.
FaceLeak at HOMERUN!  FaceLeak at GRADUATION!
Socially expected reaction.
FaceLeak On As Needed Basis.
It was real, but different.
It was FOR them, not for ME? 
There is no way this makes sense, but it does.
(crapfucksack I feel like I'm minimizing my amazing children and their accomplishments, IdidfeelitIDID.)

So there is this new thing.
This hot scratchy wet feeling behind my eyelids.
That seems to be somehow connected to emotions and me?
Sometimes it's Bambi's April showers and other times it's Katrina on her period who's best friend Tsunami, just ruined her Jimmy Choos.

I think it's partly because of the awake and aware thing.

But also.

RCD asked me a really rude forehead smacking question: who would cry for me?
Because I feel horrible for my siblings.
But not for me.
So I'm posting a Craigslist add. 
Please cry for me, unless you are Argentina.
Because I don't want to.

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Saturday, September 25, 2010

Hardy Har Har

A co-worker heard of my Mormon back ground, and asked me a question.
I thought the question was a little strange?  But there ARE stereotypes, and maybe this was one I hadn't heard of before?
He asked me if I was a drop out?
So I said, No, I was Cesarean Section.
Because that was a stereotype I am familiar with.


Friday, September 17, 2010

Cold and Dead

I have things to say.

There is this blog I've read for quite a few years.  She just found out her dad has terminal cancer.  She posted a bunch of cute childhood photos of her and her dad AT THE ZOO, IN MATCHING SUNGLASSES, AT THE GRAND CANYON, AT THE BEACH, TENDER HUGGING SHIT.  ETC. 

My reaction was totally unexpected.
I felt guilty, cold and dead about my knee jerk reaction for about three seconds.

I H.A.T.E.D. her.
I despised those stupid fucking tender pictures.
I hated that I was supposed to feel bad for her for even three seconds.
I hated her naive selfishness.
I hated her for CARING that her dad was dying.
I loathed her for having a caring dad.
I felt enraged that she had someone to be sad about.

Then, you know, the emotion passed.
And what little logic and reason I have left made me recognize where it came from.

What was so wrong with me?
Why don't I get that?
Why don't I even get ONE parent?
Why did I get TWO abusive "parents"?

Go ahead universe, get to the answers, I'll wait.
Because, what else am I supposed to do? 
Figure it out myself?
Oh yeah....

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Saturday, September 11, 2010

Covered in BEES

I decided to feel things.
A lot of it sucked.
And it's still sucking.
But a lot of it didn't suck.
In fact there was some opposite of suck.

And then I changed the way I thought about anxiety.

I've spent the last few weeks catering to my new adrenaline kick.

Adrenaline/Anxiety, is exactly the same thing.
It's the way I decide to view it.

I've torn my rotator cuff, broken a toe and my entire left side is now a new weird shade of purpleyellowgreen.

It feels fucking AMAZING.