Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Tuesday, June 01, 2010


I have a pretty steady baseline. 
I do mellow. 
I do monotone. 
I do Wassupp?!
I do neutral.
I do happy/groovy.
On an as needed basis, I get my bitch out.
I do Mom, Nurse, WifeyPoo etc.

So this...this roller coaster.  SUCKS.  Antiemetic please.
This whole feeling shit and being awake and aware and emotionally alive.  Not numb and not blank.   NOT FUN.  Can I get a refund already?  Barf bag?  Sponge Bob band-aid?  Please?  Bueller?
A good time was NOT had by all.

Today, long day, tough day, still kicking my butt on it's way out.  Used to that.  I wasn't home from 5:45 am to 8:30pm.  It happens.
27 missed phonecalls. 8 voicemails.  I don't even know how many texts.  Emails.
Seriously.  Seriously!  Seriously?  Seriously....
I'm not answering anything until mid-August.  So go fuck yourself.  Twice.  Without lube.  And I hope you get a leg cramp and your batteries run out.

Anyway, I have as many hours right now, (that I will surely pay for when my alarm goes off a 4:45 am for the whole RE-DO) to myself.  Just trying to breathe for a second.  De-frag.  Chill.

And now these seconds are filled with a tremendous, drowning sadness.
It's the achy bone despondent stricken sadness that way skipped over the crying part.
Straight to OUCH...and wanting to stop swimming so hard against the blank and numb.
I couldn't cry if I wanted to. 
But this sadness, is more a Ultra Improved Version! fun new pain game.
Right now.  This second.  As I'm typing.
I feel like I have to force myself to breathe.  If I remember to breathe. 
It's like sticking your toe into a black hole and trying not to get sucked the rest of the way in.
Because how do you ever get out of that? 
You don't.

Labels: , ,


Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home