Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Sunday, May 09, 2010

Z-A

I tend to do things back wards.
Big suprise there.

The grieving is pretty much done. 
The acceptance is not.

I grieved over not having parents years ago.
I grieved over my children not having grandparents.  Because my kids rock.
I don't want those "people" that "raised" me to be their grandparents.  NOWAYINHELL.
I just want them to have some.  They deserve so much more.

I think I knew or accepted that my sister was a Lesbian before she did.  It was never an issue with me.  It was an issue with HER.  But I love her unconditionally.  Not that I can tell her that, but whatever.
But I grieved over her pain and lack of self acceptance.  I grieved over the way she was treated.  Tent in the backyard.  Her total hysterectomy at 28 was GODS justice for being gay.  Or so said the "parents" and our fucked up sub-culture.
I felt the tremendous loss of her loss.
I felt a loss of future nieces and nephews.
Because she is an awesome "MOM" to my kids.

But me being me.  I want to detach myself from her.  Because she has very sad self destructive habits.
WITH ALL DUE REASON. 
And I don't know how much longer her organs can deal with what she puts them through.
So, stop feeling now, so I don't have to feel later.

My Grandma will be 85 this year.  I didn't call her on "Mothers Day".  Because I want to detach.  I know what happens.  She lived with us and was a very safe place for me for many years.
But she is going to die.  So I'll detach now thank you very much and pass the butter.

I can handle all sorts of physical pain.  I can talk myself through it. 
But brain pain and emotional *&% is intolerable. 
But, HELLO, with the CONTROL issues.

I've been really fighting the NOT GOING BACK to RCD's office.
I hate it.
But I statistically have 40 more years.
And I am not going to live them like this.
I don't do stagnant.
So it's off to work I go.

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