Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Saturday, May 01, 2010

Taciturn.

So much anger.
Scary.
I don't know what to do with it.


I feel like hittingkickingpunchingscreamingtearinghurtingdestroying.


There is no outlet.
Because I only do baseline.
Because the people who deserve the anger, WILL NOT get the privilege and/or recognition.


But it's still there POUNDING, and getting louder and more insistent.
And my guard is sometimes so much stronger...but then sometimes NOW so much weaker.
And the stronger, isn't very much fun.
And the weaker...scares the shit out of me.  I need walls.  They are there for a reason.


I'm thinking about taking a leave from work.
  1. Because I'm not performing well.  I'm only OK with 110%.
  2. Because the crazy is hanging out everywhere and I can't tuck it back in anymore.
  3. Because my sister is getting her guts filleted from sternum to pubic bone and NEEDS me.
  4. I'm terrified about time alone with the brain pain.
  5. Because...this is the hardest thing I've ever done
  6. ...
My worry is...I fight so hard everyday.  I fight fight fight. 
If I take a leave, and don't have to FIGHT and put myself out there, and force myself eight hours everyday to CARE about other people...I might never leave the house again.


My personal space issues, wow.  Seriously?  Now this?  What's my prize for the new low?
I wouldn't let Grandpa Moses near me the other day.
I couldn't handle anything touching me, near me.
And animals and OUTSIDE is how I survived childhood.
I like animals, even cats (ew) more than I like people.
Next to Dave and Kids, Grandpa Moses is my besty.  Not even siblings rate.  (I've never said the "L" word to my siblings, and rarely, if ever?, hugged them.)

Putting on gloves the other day made me feel restricted and claustrophobic.




I have this personal space "bubble" which is pretty large normally?
Normal is such a fun word.
When someone pushes against the bubble it creates an intense pressure.

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