Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Obedience Challenged Disorder.

Not even the Dave knows.
But I made an appointment with a psychologist.
Because there was a whole lot of stagnant going on.
I kind of think RCD was sort of just earning a paycheck.
And the whole Mormon thing, was defiantly an issue with the talking.
No dis-respect. 
He smacked my forehead hard enough to wake me up.
But I controlled every single appointment.
My stubborn, ornery, STRONG way over powered him.

ANYway, the psychologist appt. was today.
He sounded nice, elderly and compassionate over the phone.
In person...he's done this for 45 years.
And didn't let me get away with jack shit.
He called my ornery and raised it with a Royal Flush.
I did not like it.
But sort of respected the ASSHOLENESS, because I'm an asshole too.
He black and white said: " I won't lose a second of sleep over you, if you're here to be fixed then do it, if not, get out.  Don't waste my time."
Not nice, not compassionate.  Still elderly, fuckhead. 
But THAT is what I'm totally wired for. 
I deal with assholes better than I deal with the nice.
It was a painful fucked up hour of no vague.
I said more in one hour than I've said in five months with the RCD.
I admitted to child hood sexual abuse by my biological father.  Yay!  Good times! 
I admitted to being an alcoholic.
I told him I was an Atheist.
Oh, and did you know I smoke pot?
Yup, I just started because the alcohol wasn't enough numb anymore.
A month + of 30mg Fluoxetine and 25mg of Atenellol wasn't enough.
Dear kidneys and liver, I'm trying to get better.  Where can I send the sympathy card? 

It is so crazy scary.  Dealing with someone who won't put up with my bullshit tactics.
I'm so used to getting away with shit.  With overpowering caustic sarcasm and bitter and funny.
But also...
For the first time, someone knows more than I do.
Don't like it.
And if I can stand it/him...I might be able to be a little better.


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