Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Piece of Peace

I used to write here once, twice maybe three times a month.  Since June 2004, 517 posts. 
Do the math. 
But lately...every night.  The other night the Internet was out because of sick of wind.  And I was all...AHHHHHHHHHHRggghhh!  Need to Brain Barf! 
This has really become a safe space to figure things out even though there is a WHOLE lot of NO going on still.  Rinse and repeat.
I also know that I won't ever print any of this out and bring it to the RCD's office.
It's mine. 
I've earned and struggled with every single letter.
It's safe because of the password, because of the delete button, and because I can say anything I want here.
Printing it out would make it useless to me any further.

I'm sure RCD is a cool person, and I'm grateful for the forehead smackage he's done...but it's just a conductant to recognizing the awesome I already have.

After a whole large bloated portion buffet of SUCK,  I feel a little peace for the first time since I woke up.

Dave knows. 
Dave knows.
Dave knows.

It's in his brain now and Dave still loves me.
Dave accepts and loves me. 
Not despite of my defectiveness.  He loves me more.  Because he understands the last 14 years better now.
He is one pretty kick ass dude.
It's scaryintensewonderful.
I LOVELOVELOVELOVE him so incredibly much.
And I finally accept it in return.

It came about in a total bass ackward way, but it came out.
I did the RUN. 
But I came back.
And it's OUT. 
And it's not OK, but it's OKer-ish.
A huge boulder has been shifted/lifted from my chest.
I'm so sad that it put some on his chest, but what can I do about that?
BELIEVE me...I've tried to make him stop loving me.
REALLY really tried.
But this is a part of it.  The whole attached to another human being thing.  Is sharing the load.  Even though my load is pretty fucking LOADED.

I always do the: STRONG, BRAVE, CONTROL thing.
It's my SOP.
But for the first time, I really feel it.

I can conquer anything with awesome DaveDude by my side...and it feels so good.
I FEEL it.  I accept it. I love it.
I get it.



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