Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Not the Titanic.

I think there is a little acceptance going on.
And it sucks, but it's progress and that means I'm winning.

Dave is so amazingly supportive.
I feel like I'm sucking him dry and I might be a little better but he will be worse.
But also...he feels better when I am better.
And I love him more than I love myself.  I know, shut up.
I love the way he loves me.
I love him so intensely.
It feels like a real fleshy physical connection with pumping arteries and veins.
So strong.
And wonderful.
If I strip myself down to my bareness of self...the love for him there pulsing.  And so ALIVE.  And no numb. 

I'm terrified of my next appointment with the head shrinker.
He didn't let me get away with anything.
And what doors will open, and what monsters are waiting?
I feel like it's the 10% iceberg thing.
I remember 10%. 
But the other 90% is down there.  Cold.  Waiting to sink me.
Strong, Control and stubborn.
I will win.

I'm at least swimming around the iceberg now.  Totally with fluorescent orange arm floaties, but still swimming.
If I wasn't, Strong, Stubborn and control, I wouldn't be going to that office in the first place.


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