Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Filter THIS

I'm so entirely sick and done with the, "you're not trying hard enough".

Because I AM.

I'm rolling around in this putrid state.
It's completely covered me and I have to carry it around and breathe it, smell it 24/7.
The amount of effort it takes.  The pain, the panic the puke...just to get to the office.
But today in the third appointment:  don't come back unless you're willing to get real.
OH WHAT THE FUCK EVER.

I don't have a nickname for the Psychologist yet...maybe...New Old Guy? 
NOG. 
I kinda dig it.
He's an asshole.
I think he does the asshole, because I respond to it. *&*#@!!
I think he does the "you're not trying" because it pisses me off, so I fight and WIN and lose/win/talk.  JUST TO PROVE THE MOTHERFUCKER WRONG.
Although, if I have to hear "45 years experience" one more time...so help me baby Buddha.
Shut The Glorious Fuck Up Already.
I get it.
You've seen it all.
Heard it all.
And you're old.  HA!

But this is still my reality, my pain, my roadkill flesh. 
My herstory may not be unique or interesting, but it's MINE.
I fucking earned every survival second.
It HURTS, bleeds, crushes, mutilates, scars, suffers and scrapes raw.
So, NOG,  STFU and grow a compassion, or at least rent one for an hour a week.
Or don't, because that didn't work either.
Going there feels like being controlled and manipulated all over again.
And I fucking PAY for it.
Kick and scream.

Moving on.
I've lost my filter.
You know the filter that everyone has somewhere between their brain and their mouth?
My filter went from NEVER SAY ANYTHING to... today I told my boss to fuck off. 
Yesterday I told a co-worker to wax her stache because she looked like Hitler.
Last week I got in the face of a family member of a work resident.  He's a creepy creep creeper.  He likes to corner you and get in your space.  He tried to touch my "name tag".  I've dealt with him for three years.  Until last week when I told him that he made me uncomfortable, creeped me out...creeped ALL of the staff out and to KNOCK it the FUCK off. 
I basically got a round of applause for that one.

SO NOT OK.
But I don't know how to fix it.
Or if want to.

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