Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Sunday, May 30, 2010


Apparently most survivors of,  STUFF, want to change their name. Their identity. Their herstory.
Huh.  Wish I would have thought of that.
I was asked why I kept my maiden name. My..."fathers", when I got married.
Good question.
To which I have answers. 
  1. I never expected to stay married, it was a "try it out" thing.
  2. I didn't want to have a different last name than my girls.
  3. It felt TOO much like a property/title transfer, and I rejected being a piece of property when I ditched the Moron Church.
  4. I have some pretty awesome family members and history connected to my surname.
  5. Because I WIN.  That's the way it works.
Next question.  BRING IT ON.

I was asked what my worst fear was.
Not the standard spiders crap.  My avoidant self tried that answer.  PLUS I really hate spiders.
But the real fear.  The one that gives you sweaty tongue right before you barf and don't sleep for a couple weeks...OK years.
My worst fear is that my children will grow up to hate me as much as I hate my "parents".
I've never given them reason to, I've done the best that I can.
But we all fail in our own ways.
I have taught them, by example, not to have relationships with parents. 

First First Second First First worst fear of the holy shit moment:  I have to go to Utah.  I have to move my daughter to Utah where she is going to college.  My daughter, naive of my past (well mostly, she knows about the easy stuff, physical/verbal abuse) is going to live in Utah.  The place of my almost death...and I have to leave her there.  And drive away.  My baby.  My flesh.  It's hard enough, without all the STUFF.  OMG.  Pain.  Fear.  Hurt.  Scared.  Help.
~pause VOMIT pause.~
Tell me how to do that?
Seriously.  How?
Or better yet...tell me how to stop it.

I'm telling myself:
  • She inherited every bit of my strong/ornery/stubborn/WIN/++++.  She's the only person I know that is more stubborn than me.
  • She will have three of my awesome siblings for support, plus one aged tender Great Grandma.
  • Sickoid "father" dude has been threatened and will continue to be threatened, and lives very (not far enough) far south.
I'm so fucking scared.
I'm so fucking scared.
I'm scared.
Holy baby Buddha, I'm SO scared.

Please continue to fuck me over, and mess with my life, JUST KILL ME already....but don't even fucking think about my babies. 

P.S. How long is the waiting period/background check for a gun?



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