Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Still not angry

I think I'm done with the counseling thing for now.
FAIL.
Dave isn't happy with that idea.
FAIL.
I'm not accomplishing anything.
FAIL.
I don't think I'm ready.
FAIL.
It started as marriage counseling, not, "sit back and examine every fucked up detail of my life" counseling.
And the whole disclaimer/waiver/whatever, that stated: things can get worse before they get better...but there should have been a: SERIOUSLY, WE'RE NOT KIDDING, IT'S GOING TO SUCK ASS VOMIT AND FUCK WITH YOUR LIFE, paragraph.
And things are truly ____ lately.
My personal space issues have exploded... or imploded to be more exact.
As in don't fucking touch me EVER, including Dave.
Jeebus. 

I went away for three days for a GIRL weekend.  Something I've never done before. 
It was difficult.  Good.  Fun.  Other stuff.  Etc.
And I came home to THE GUILT and RESPONSIBILITIES. ++++
And then Dave wanted the physical shit that comes with being married, when you love and desire someone.. 
I just shut myself off. 
I was in compliance. 
I sort of raped myself.   
And yes I get it.  And yes I know.  And. And. And. Blah. Blah. Blah.

I started taking Fluoxetine 15 days ago.  Fine...PROZAC.

  1. It feels like, EPIC FAIL.  I wasn't strong enough. 
  2. I have to take a pill to be sort of "normal".
  3. ...
  4. FAIL.
  5. This whole process would be so much easier if I wasn't involved.

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