Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Vague.

The main memory I have, the one that makes it so I can't deny the "other" memories...is vivid.
The "other" memories, I was young and the processing wasn't so functional.
They're blurry-ish. 
Fractal.
Plus I don't like them.


I think it was because I was older that I remember it so well.  And had a HUGE motivator named "Mikalea". 
I wasn't so great at protecting myself, but a MOTHER GRIZZLY has nothing on me.
It's so clear, I can't push the "other stuff" back and go back to "it didn't happen" anymore.


And here I am typing to myself and being vague.


Good Lard, I should change my name to vague.


"Hi there, not nice to meet you, I'm Vague!"


It was after Miki was born.  It was when my parents were doing the divorce thing (of which we were all thrilled and relieved about).
It was in a small frame of time when my mother moved out, and I stayed for ???? reasons. 
The mother and I have always mixed about as well as oil and water.  I always took all of my anger and frustrations out on her, because that was the only place I could.  She got 99% of my anger.  But she deserved a lot of it.  And I got almost ALL of hers.  She physically took out her frustrations on me. So, I guess that's fair.  Except that I was a CHILD.  Blah.
I still feel SO responsible for everything.

This becoming a confused mess.  But HELLO.  I'm a confused mess lately.


Anyway, the main memory:


My dad (I need to come up with a new term for that, because "dad" isn't accurate) basically proposed (<- not the right word, but there isn't one) to me.
I was seventeen. 
He offered it like he was giving me this amazing gift and opportunity.
He offered me the master bedroom and all it came with...what a WONDERFUL THING!
He had checkbook in hand.
Because he was wealthy and we weren't.  And he used that all the time.


I didn't think about it.  I just did PROTECTION.  I waited until he left somewhere.  I strapped Miki into her tummy pack.  I packed everything I needed and moved in with my mom.  That was the last time I was there.


When he lost that measure of control and/or whatever....he threatened and tried to take Miki away from me.  Calling me an unfit mother. 
And then I moved to Washington.
And that's all I have to say.

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