Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Lightbulb full of anger.

You don't get to choose your family. 
I didn't.
But I do now.
I get to choose.
I've formed a pretty amazing group. 
Small, but awesome.
This is coming from someone who doesn't even trust herself.
From someone who if they try to get close I get offensive and kick them in the shins.  Or any other vulnerable body part.
Dave, Kids, mostly siblings, and two friends.
I have friends for the first time ever.
It only took nine years working together every day to form this friendship.
I think this is called "progress".
RCD said one time, "it's amazing that you have maintained a realtionship", when Dave and I were going together.
It stunk to hear that, and I didn't really know what he meant at the time.  Because, BLAME=ME.
But there has been a whole lot of AWAKE going on lately.

I think the reason I ROCK my job so much...when I really shouldn't...there are some pretty abusive assholes there.  Like the dude who "accidently" kicks my boob every morning when I'm putting his ted hose on.  Like the dude who waits until a female walks into the room to start masturbating.  Like the chick who throws things at me everytime I walk into her room, and has a worse mouth than even ME.
I always know exactly what I'm getting into.
I choose to walk into their room, and I choose to deal with their behaviors.
I think at their age, all of the FAKE is gone.
They are worn down to their pure selves.
Sometimes that really sucks.
Other times its pretty cool.
I'm so good with fixing/helping other people. 
It's only when it comes to me, that there is a total blank.  What?  Der?

My favorite lady (I don't have favorites because favorite hurts, and favorites die) is a lady I will HIPPA'LLY correct, call Elizabeth.
She is hypothetically 98.
She has more hair on her upper lip than on her head.
She worked in the apple orchards until she was 72.
She is STRONG STRONG STRONG, will a delightful dose of sweet stubborn. 
Her only daughter is an chronically absent soul sucker who only shows up when she thinks she can maneuver the attention towards her.  She shows up every six months for care planning and is ME ME ME. She has repeatedly tried to move her fiercly independant Mom into a nursing home.  Because when people move into nursing homes, there is no social obligation to care anymore.

They have become my psuedo extended family in some ways.
With not much grace anymore, but a whole lot of courage.  And ornery.  I DIG the ornery.

It's a very small circle, subject to change.

I'm so judgemental of my residents families that never visit or give a shit.
They die without without anyone but the people who are paid to care, surrounding them.
But if my "parents" get to that stage...I for damn sure won't be there.
We all fight our own battles, we all struggle.
So I look at myself and my herstory, and have to set the judgement aside.

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