Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Thursday, April 29, 2010


I just want some peace.
At this point I'd settle for a piece of peace.
No matter how much or how little I talk or what I say.
There aren't any answers.
There is no "FIX".
There aren't enough pills.
It doesn't change anything.
My herstory is the same.
PLEASE, someone tell me I'm wrong.
But I'm not.
PLEASE lie to me. Or teach me how to lie to myself better.

I HATE.  Loathe.  Detest.
There isn't enough of a word or emotion.
There isn't.
Gawd this new encompassing.
If I didn't have control issues, it could take over everything.

I'm still being punished.
There is just no end to it.
So lets get a stick and poke at it, every week at RCD's office.  And pour lemon juice into the raw.
Let's have open brain surgery without anesthesia in the naive hope that someday it helps and hurts less.
What parts will be left?

Go ahead and swim in my reality for awhile and see if you float or sink.
Try it.

There was saline leakage at RCD's office. 
I toughed it out the whole time until the end.
I almost fell, when I tried to stand up.
I felt dizzy and RUN.
And RCD was saying something, I don't know what.
Because all I could focus on was..."RUN."
Shiny door knob please turn already and let me out of this pain.

I will get into an accident pulling out of that parking lot.
My flight or fight response is RUNFORRESTRUN.

Then I pulled over and threw up.

And I'm supposed to go back next week and do it all over again.
I don't know how I can.

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