Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

i has a mature

Random Counselor Dude said keep a journal.

Keri rolled on floor and kicked her feet.

In my head at least.

Journal?  DO NOT WANT.

Wait.  What?  Der? WTF is this thing?
I've been writing here since June 2004.


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Friday, March 05, 2010


My world has been completely turned upside down.
In good but difficult ways.
It's tough to "talk" about.
But this is my nekkid place.

Dave and I are good.
So incredibly good.
Like a honeymoon, but more, with someone you've shared fourteen years of your life with, and knows you better than you know yourself.

You weren't expecting that were you?
Neither was I.
Lets just get smacked in the forehead together.

After a few months of
A little backtrack:  Dave left me.  Dave wanted to come back.  Keri said no.  Dave said we should try. Keri said only if we get counseling.  Keri was playing it safe because Dave had always said NO to counseling.  Dave said YES.  Keri said, oh shit that backfired.

I get free counseling from work because I work in an emotionally draining/stressful environment. 
I got referred to a random counselor dude.
Was worried about counselor being a dude and it being a testosterone party/ ganged up on.
I instantly vibed that counselor dude was Mormon.  Later, I point blank asked him.  But he seems to be the good realistic/ kind.  Like Ms.Banana.  Like my sisters.

It's helped that he understands the dynamics.

I'm so sad about the time I've wasted.
When it can be this good.
Dave's been here, listening all this time.
He's always been on team Keri.
I've always been emotionally shut off.
Huge emotional/physical boundaries.
For some obvious (now) reasons...and some others that I'm still working on.

And it's just crazy good and crazy difficult.
It's amazing that he stuck it out.
He really shouldn't have for his own sake.

Trying to FEEL and BE,  is like trying to start a rusted out car that has been neglected and abused for 35 years.  All of the systems are shorting out.  The battery was beyond dead. 
I've talked to fuzzy Moses more than I talked to Dave...sad.

And the massive anxiety/panic attacks... because the system is in constant rebooting mode.  FUN. 
It's VERY difficult, but so worth it.
My always very low blood pressure has been 166/115.
Because rebooting is hard.

But the car is started.  The floor boards are rusted out.  The windshield is cracked.  The gaskets are leaky...but its on the road.

And I've talked 2/5 siblings into getting counseling too.
Because we all truly need help.

And dear old fucked up fundy dad, you have no more power over me.
I've wasted too many years being fucked up by you.  Literally.
Don't contact me.  As I know you won't.  Your usefulness for me was done when I was twelve.

And dear mom, I'm sorry it was so bad for you.  I'm sad for what you went through.  I'm sorry you a were a weak victim too.  But looking back now through my Parental/Mom goggles, you should have saved us.  You should have done something..anything. We were/are worth it.  I feel sad for you, but nothing else.  You have no productive place in my life.

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