Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

float like a cannonball

Tuesday, January 26, 2010


I don't want this to be my story.

Sunday, January 24, 2010


"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." - Helen Keller

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Other stuff I've done wrong.

I feel so bad.

I joined the gym in November. Love it. Lost/losing weight. Amazing supportive friend joined with me.
It's an incredible stress reliever and I feel so much more powerful and healthy.
BUT the weather has been so amazing here. It's January and we're having strange 50 degree days. Plus the gym does get boring.
So we've been hiking/walking for the last two weeks and taking our doggies along with us.
Hers is a black lab mix about three years old.
Mine is Grandpa moses who turned ten in December.

He's so stiff and sore, and even though he could stand to lose a few pounds TOO, I think the five miles we hiked on Sunday really did a number on him.
I feel lousy for how lousy he feels.

Last year after the ocean, the vet gave us Lodine for his aches and pains. I also give him glucosamine treats.
I think I've been pushing him too hard.
It's hard to tell because he just enjoys it so much.
He does his doggy dance when he sees his leash.
I think I may have to realize that he is seventy in stupid human years.
It's so difficult to watch my best friend aging.
  1. Take him to the vet to get schooled.
  2. Maybe doggy booties because his pads are suffering plus puncture vines.
  3. Go back to the gym and stay in denial of Perfect Golden Retrievers actual age.

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Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Week of not weak

I made one concession.
To go to counseling.
He's refused every other time.
Even when I begged. Previously for weak weeks + three years.
After almost a not week weak of not begging, someone decides to get serious. Or realizes I am serious... not playing the game anymore.
After he tried to make ME feel guilty about him staying in a $49.99 hotel room. Even as I am holding everything (dishes!dinner!laundry!homework!carpool!weneedmoney!)down at home including sad/confused boys and angry teens.


The thing with those counselor dudes is that they have training.
Or at least this one did.

After about ten minutes he had figured out that I was completely emotionally shut down and the dude I married has massive issues with communication.

He identified the major issue.

I mostly almost sort of totally wanted the counselor dude to say, "yeah, give up now".

Now I have to decide whether I give a crap or not.

I just have to give major props to the emotionally shut off thing. It ROCKS. It's almost like being male! I truly LIKE not caring anymore.

Right now I LOVE the bed to myself. Love the peace in the house. Totally enjoying the independence.


Sunday, January 17, 2010


He wanted to come back tonight.
I said no.
You can't do that kind of damage and expect the door to open.
It was very difficult.
It would have been much easier to say yes.
I wanted to go back to our 3.0 version of "normal".
I don't know what happens next.
I do know that I have a new crazy strength and resolve.
I don't know where it came from.
My focus is on my children and my health.
Everything else is butter.

I just really feel that with everything going on in the world my problems are so small.

My family is fractured and a little damaged, but alive and well.
I'm posting from warm house, with ample food, water, clothing, strong roof and a fuzzy Moses who is more worried about me than anyone else, and a better therapist than money can buy.

My heart is with those in Haiti.
My heart is with those who are hurting and hungry and lost where ever you may be.


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Friday, January 15, 2010

Long slow and painful exit party

Tonight my husband got angry when I asked him not to yell at the boys. My twins were having a sleepover and the three of them were loud and age appropriately obnoxious.
He stormed off into our bedroom. Confused and WTF? I followed and asked him what was bothering him so much? As I have asked him for the past week and a half.
Because I can always feel/see it? building up in him, after fourteen years together.
Blah blah blah, this that this same old NOTHINGNESS.... I was crazy frustrated/confused and in tears from being shut off/out emotionally AGAIN and so I shut him off/out physically and pushed him out the bedroom door and locked it. I've only done that once before when I was pregnant with the twins. When he stayed out all night drinking with a friend and I spent all night puking with my porcelain friend.

Thankfully all of the boys were downstairs. Sadly my girls got to hear/see him somehow (I don't know how he did it) shatter parts of my/our bedroom door.
After the initial shock and awe, I gathered up the slumber party boys and girls and tried to salvage their night by taking them to the store and letting them individually choose what they wanted for dinner. Plus just get the heck out of there for awhile.
We came back and started to microwave (I KNOW!! but I let them choose!!) their assorted dinners and a healthy sub for us dieters.
He had packed his bags, destroyed our bed frame and left in a barely functioning vehicle.
On one hand I felt worried that he was sure to break down any second in the barely functioning vehicle. On the other, fucking fuck off already and don't call me when it does. He's an adult that makes choices.
I'm not playing anymore.
I won't be manipulated anymore.
He's played the packing bag game for the last two years of ??? fights.
I never know what the fights are about. Something minuscule sets them off.
He's replaced me in just about every way... and some ways I would like to think not, but whatever. I don't know at this point.
I'm not his "person" anymore. I haven't been for awhile.

I've spent the last six months becoming independent. Again.
I've done everything he's asked me to do and it's still not enough. I've slowly realized that I can't change enough or do enough.
The last six months I decided to do whatever I could do to make it work, but at the same time do whatever it takes to empower myself. I've opened up my own checking account, joined the gym, lost weight etc. etc.

So he's gone. I've wanted to cry and couldn't.

I've done the poor single parent thing before. I know how. It sucks in it's own special way, but so does this.

Worries for the AM :

  1. I feel crazy guilty that my daughters saw the testosterone tantrum and hope they don't accept this as a norm or part of their future relationships.
  2. What to say when my boys ask where Dad is.
  3. Figuring out what bills I can pay on my income, and hoping I can at least keep the house.

Just keep swimming.

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Saturday, January 02, 2010

Keri is...wait this isn't FaceBook

My eyes are all leaky.
In Utah time, where she is, where she was born, it's midnight... she is eighteen.

In Washington where her leaky eyed Mother is, she's still a minor for forty eight more minutes.
She's in Utah with my sisters, her AWESOME Aunts, her Grandmother, Great Grandmother <3>
Sad that I wasn't with her on her eighteenth birthday. Happy that she has such a great relationship with my family that that's where she wanted to spend most of her holiday.
Sad that so many things this year ...Christmas, New Years, Birthday etc. feels like the last time she's my baby at home.
It's all good. Just so hard and different.

I can't even accurately express it, it's just so mixed.

Don't even get me started on Graduation.

Happy Birthday baby.

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