Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Living to deal

I have a long list of blogs that I read.
A shorter list of those that I check frequently.
A minuscule spot of blogs, that I have a feel real connection to, and absolutely must check daily +.
Partly because of my severe social anxiety.
Partly because I don't want to be linked back here...I rarely, if ever comment on them.
Sorry. Ish. ?
But one of the blogs I've read for years, followed her through her "diet chick" days and now to her marriage/mortgage/foreclosure/infertility "Just Nesting" days.

And I just want to say a few things.
Here in my safe place.

My older sister had to have a hysterectomy when she was 28. Due to the most severe endometriosis that the specialist Doc in Seattle had ever seen.
This, after years of misdiagnosis.
One brush off "Doctor" even told her that she just needed to stop having rough sex. ???!!!????
The specialist compared it to concrete in her abdomen.
He had to scrape it off of her spinal column.
She could have been paralyzed.
She almost had to live with a colostomy bag and catheter for the rest of her life.

And my Fundy Mormon parents said this was justice served, for her being a lesbian.

And me, her ever loving sister supported her, and cared for her every step of the way.
We've always been crazy close.
And her, my ever loving sister came to resent me, especially when I accidentally got pregnant with twins.
But, then, we've always been crazy close.
And when my twins were born, and she held them in hospital... she never meant me to feel so selfish, and I never meant her to feel so desolate.

And this blog that I read...where her pain is almost palpable. Where her sense of loss and injustice is visceral.

And she writes:
"I don't want to be a poster-girl.
I don't want to show the world, or my community, or my friends and family, what's it's like to suffer from infertility, not that friends and family want to hear about it, no one wants to hear about sad things, they want triumph and that's it, then and only then is the story relevant.
So when there's nothing to learn and nothing to teach there is no point in the process.
And no one wants their life to have no meaning, no purpose, yet here I am lost in limbo.
I don't like being jealous.
I don't like feeling sad.
I don't like feeling powerless.
I don't like feeling like I'm a bad person because I have trouble handling "happy" things like babies and pregnancies, I don't like the person I'm becoming, this person full of fear, and disappointment and hopelessness.
I want to be happy.
I want my life to be about more than this.
And yet I can't go anywhere, I can't leave it, and I can't give up."

And I am the sister who went through the psyche evaluation and physical to donate eggs to my sisters partner.
And when that failed...
They discovered the impossibilities of a lesbian couple adopting.
Even when the they committed crazy $$$, were told they were unworthy of even fostering special needs children.
And I am now the sister who is watching MY sister turn into someone else.
Someone who has discovered her version of a liquid cure.
And now I am the Mother of the children who no longer have their former amazing Aunt.
Lost to alcoholism.
I experienced my own selfish grieving process at the loss of my future niece/nephew.
And I'm dealing with my children's pain/loss of their amazing Aunt.

I guess, because I can't give anything else.
I want to give HOPE.
Even when it feels like nothing is left, maybe it helps to hear that it could be worse?
Maybe that is the last thing wanted to hear?

Maybe when you've been hit by a car, hearing that it could have been a dump truck just isn't so helpful?
I don't know?
I just desperately don't want her to turn to any sort of solution that my sister seems to have chosen.
And maybe in my failed attempts with my sister, I may be failing Lori too...and should have maintained my silence.
Maybe I just want her to know, that we are out there.
We want this for you.
We feel some measure of your loss.
And I hope.

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