Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Friday, November 02, 2007

ouch and why

This is a little jumbled, deal with it.

One of my daughters friends killed himself this week.

She was at her best friends house when she found out. Her best friend's dad is a paramedic and went out to the call.

She's almost sixteen but has spent the last few days on my lap.

It's just a whole lot of reality that I wish she didn't have to face so soon.
I know all of the stages of grief, but it is incredibly difficult to watch my daughter go through them.
I've also worked with this boys Mother and Sister for six+ years at the hospital, and although I only knew him by name, I know them very well.

I'm torn up about what they are going through.
He was missing for a for half a day, didn't show up at school and when his Mother went home from work early to search for him, she found him on the side of their house.
(really painful story about how this Nurse mother first thought he fallen and struck his head, then thought someone had shot him, then eventually realized that he had shot himself...)

Our community has really rallied.
The counselors from every school in the district have been at the high school all week. The local ministries have also volunteered their time. The hospital employees are providing all of the food needs for the service and are donating personal time hours for time off.

My daughter has skipped her sixth period band class everyday this week to practice with the chamber choir who will be singing at his funeral this Saturday. I finally wrote a note to her band teacher to explain and he called me to tell me that he had already understood and excused her.

I personally went right to the anger stage and am stuck there.
What a selfish act.
This boy had everything going for him. He had an amazing family, support system, loads of friends and chose not to use them...
  • Saddle your survivors with intense guilt, self-doubt, and self-recrimination with the belief that they could have done something to stop you.
  • Leave survivors who believe that since you committed suicide that they are also destined to do so themselves in the future.
  • Spark the imagination of a survivor who sees how much attention your suicide is getting and wants similar attention so goes out and commits a copy-cat suicide for the sick need of sharing the spotlight and getting the same quick solution as you did.
  • Influence others who are sitting on the fence to go ahead with their suicides since someone else has succeeded in ending it all. (
I recognize that a lot of my anger is fear fueled.
It's so scary to be a Mom and you just can't love your kids enough.

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  • At Friday, November 02, 2007 9:44:00 AM, Blogger Ann said…

    As someone who has been suicidal, I can only say that he wasn't being selfish, he was being completely irrational. Suicide is the act of someone who is mentally ill.

    I'm so sorry.

  • At Friday, November 02, 2007 11:18:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I'm so, so sorry.

    These poor kids. I couldn't have survived in their world. (sigh)

    - Phoebe

  • At Saturday, November 03, 2007 12:56:00 AM, Blogger Ms-Chievous said…

    I'm sorry Ms. Banana, I do know that, I've had those times too.
    This boy did it because his girlfriend broke up with him, for a final fuck you moment.
    Love ya Banana

  • At Sunday, November 04, 2007 4:31:00 PM, Blogger Liseysmom said…

    A very good friend of mine committed suicide when I was 16. I don't think me or my group of friends ever recovered from that one shattering act.

    I'm so sorry for you and your daughter. It's not an easy thing to handle.

  • At Tuesday, November 06, 2007 11:45:00 AM, Blogger JoeinVegas said…

    He wasn't thinking about anybody else but himself at the time, unless it was 'better off without me'. But yes, hard on school friends - bad time to do it (if there ever was a good time)

  • At Wednesday, November 07, 2007 6:03:00 AM, Blogger Randy said…

    There was a similar teen suicide incident earlier this week in New Orleans. Everybody the newspaper interviewed said they couldn't imagine this happy kid doing such a thing, but he had a myspace page containing lots of suicide talk. Very strange.

    IMHO, suicide can be either an act of mental illness or an act of selfishness, or both--or, in the case of terminally ill individuals in great physical pain, an act that is completely rational.

    A few years ago, I had a brief period of episodic suicidal ideations; it was my form of an escape fantasy, while divorce was my wife's form. I immediately understood what was going on, and that, in this case, it would have been a totally selfish, irrational act that would have devastated everybody who loves and depends on me. I doubt most teenagers have sufficient self-knowledge and understanding to analyze such impulses.

  • At Thursday, November 08, 2007 4:04:00 PM, Blogger Rory Kearn said…

    I am so very sorry. I will keep you and your daughter and his family in my thoughts.



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