Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Help me, teenage Jesus

What I've been doing a.k.a., why I should be committed.

First morning: WTF is that noise? Oh, five newborn kittens screeching in my garden.
First day evening: WTF is with all the noise? Yo, MamaCat, fucking attend to the needs already.
First night: She'll be back any second now. Earplugs.
Second Morning: OH fuckitalltohell MFA (my future activist) heard the kittens.
Second Afternoon: Denial isn't working, slut isn't coming back. MFA is in tears, fix it MOM, it's like, your job. Gah.
Damn cat couldn't have abandoned them in the neighbors garden?

grumble grumble grumble I don't even like cats grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble I'm very allergic grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble spay and neuter fuckers! grumble grumble grumble grumble

So I head out to the garden and gather up five very cold, very hungry kittens whose eyes have just barely opened and are still that newborn blue color. And possibly felt a little bad about them sitting there for two days.

I went to my vet and bought kitty milk replacer, a box of vet nipples (seriously, that's what the box says and I crack up every time I think about that fall harvest).

I've been feeding the brats about every two hours and taking Benadryl every 4-6.
It took me until late in the third day, when the little fuzzy fuckers wouldn't SHUT UP, to remember that very young kittens need help going number 1 & 2.
Oops.
But then they slept for five hours straight.

My Golden retriever is terrified of them and they completely stress my Wonder Mutt out, she sits by the laundry basket they are in, and whines. Which is a nice accompaniment to the screeching.

I called the local Humane Society and they will take them, with a charge of $25 each. Then they will euthanize them because they aren't equipped/staffed to deal with newborn kittens.
Um, ME NEITHER fuckwads.

This is the fifth day and I'm remembering why I had a tubal ligation.

Verily I say unto my children, There will be no naming! (spoken in a "Moses holding the ten commandments" voice), not even Tom or Jerry as MFA suggested. There will be no getting attached! There will be no tender fuzzy feelings!
It's totally working, right? RIGHT? Bueller?

There are two orange tabbies, two grey stripeys and one black and white runt and they already associate my voice with FOOD! Which is kind of cute in a non-attaching sort of way.

Shut up Phoebe.

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