Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

What's your name, who's your Daddy...?

Sheesh and woosh!

What a week!
This last weekend was my oldest daughters second softball tournament of the season and my younger daughters first.
Yes, you read that right, my younger daughter got recruited after a coach saw her playing Park and Rec ball.
It is the same organization, and I guess they can see a sucker (a.k.a. dedicated family) when they see one. At twelve years old it isn't so much about her skills as it is about a committed support system.
My oldest is playing for the 14u team and my younger is now playing for the 12u team.
They both did great, but in different ways.
It was and will be a huge adjustment for my younger daughter. Tournament ball is a lot more intense than she is used to.
She's a very sensitive soul and it will take her awhile to acclimate to actual coaching.
She's also not playing her normal position, catcher, because the team doesn't need another one at this time, so another huge change and learning curve there (plus a new glove that isn't broken in yet).
BUT she did have the ONLY double play her team had in the entire tournament (hey they're twelve, piss off).
I saw the first part, and had to ask another parent if the second part of the double play happened because I couldn't see for some reason.
Seriously, I don't usually cry at Softball of all things, but my younger daughter is SO hard on herself (which is why she is always on the honor roll), and she was SO nervous, that when on her FIRST tournament game EVER she made an awesome play, the saline just started leaking out of my eyeballs.

This coming weekend, my oldest daughter has a tournament in Wenatchee Washington and my younger daughter has a tournament in Coeur d'Alene Idaho.
I've spent most of this week trying to clone myself. You may call me Dolly.
Dad is going to step up to the plate (Gawd am I clever, or lame?) and take one daughter, but HOW can I possibly choose where to go?
I think it's going to come down to a freaking quarter toss and then laying on the floor in a puddle on my part.
I have major photos, but all of them have big fat team logos on them, so you'll just have to use your imagination.

Gear change.
I don't have TV or desire TV and haven't for seven years (that is what MLB online is for and JOOST, which I am loving and if you want a hookup and you are awesome nerd like me, I'll send you an invite).
Anyway, I heard somewhere that the two finalists from American Idol were from Washington.
So I googled and You Tubed.
I saw the audition for some finalist guy named "Blake."
I saw his parents that actually cared, and they cried and honestly seemed excited for him when he got accepted.
It made me think about my own parents. Neither of whom I talk to. For my "Mom" it has been about three+ years and my Dad, about four months, since we talked.
Sure, I could easily call them up tomorrow and *talk*, but that isn't what is actually missing.
Plus there would be major consequences on my part for opening that door.
It's a very heavy door.
It makes me sad for my children that they don't have amazing Grandparents like I did.
Something got screwed up along the way...and my Grandparents were Mormon too, so that isn't "the" excuse.

I read "Fussy" tonight, another awesome blog that I've long been addicted to. Her dad just died unexpectedly.
She posted beautiful pictures and stories and it overwhelmed me.

I don't know how to verbalize, or I guess, typelize, how much I wish I had parents that cared or were interested in my children or THEIR children for that matter.

And it made me miss Jo. One of my first blogger buddies. One that actually prompted me to start this whiny self indulgent cesspool version of a blog. She didn't have a relationship with her "mother" either and made me not feel so alone any age...

(if my song playlist is messing with you, your browser or your general sense of well being, let me know and I'll delete it)

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Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Is there a sign on my forehead?

Today, I heard a knock on my door right about the time my boys get home from school.
I panicked, because I thought I may have locked them out, and that would have exceeded my bad mommy quota for the month.
I was in my bathroom at the time, in the tub with my cooler, bleaching the fuck out of it, in preparations for this weekends softball tournament.
It took me a bit to get to the door, even in panic mode, because I may or may not have been in various nekky stages so as to not bleach my clothes (roll eyes multiple times here).

It wasn't my boys.

Instead, it was random dude from some "amazing facts" group. (I googled, and they have an actual dot org)
He wanted to ask me seven questions, to which, in my frazzled state, I consented. I also blame the bleach fumes.
We made it to question four, before he got extremely rude and stormed off.

He didn't like my answers.

My boys walked up right as the guy was steaming off and asked who he was.
I said it was someone who was pissed that I wouldn't play with his imaginary friend.

Now...please understand that I am always MORE than nice to ALL of the door knockers. Partly due to the horrible experiences my siblings experienced on their Mormon missions. Partly due to the fact that I truly respect peoples personal choices/beliefs, even as an unwavering atheist.

The JW's love me (not my husband, after a few hour+ long sessions on my porch they have learned to only come when I am home) . I am always friendly, and save trees by letting them keep their magazines, and I am an easy check off on their required proselytizing hours.

BUT, this random "amazing facts" dude was one of the rudest people I have ever encountered in any walk of life...and I wipe grumpy peoples asses for a living!
I didn't answer any of his questions rudely, just honest/factual as they apply to my personal beliefs/non-beliefs.
Next time, I will request "random dudes" address FIRST before I answer any questions, so I can knock on his door and be VERY polite.


Monday, May 14, 2007


So I heard from one of my Utah TBM siblings that my 62 year old dad is pretty sick.
I haven't talked to him for quite awhile because of "issues."
This Utah TBM sibling was instructed to transmit some highly crucial information to the two the very non-Mormon siblings living in Washington state (me and my oldest sister.)
The end of the world is nigh!
And my father has squandered enough resources to save us all (!!), we just have to high tail it to rural Utah.
Alrighty then, at the first sign of the Hale-Bopp comet, I'll bring the kook-aid, and a camel toe extractor for his wife.


Sunday, May 13, 2007

Happy Blah

I really wish that this day could just be skipped or better yet, cancelled altogether.
Or at the least, be accurately "happy focus on every way your Mother fucked up and how you are screwing up your own children now."

If your mood is dancing in a dark place without battery backup like mine is, don't, by any circumstances, read Post Secret this Sunday.
Especially the first one, at least for me.
Or do, whatever. I'm not YOUR mother.
Hey wait, maybe that is something you could celebrate?

At least the Mormons give you a fucking plant and fake like you are valuable for three hours.
Wow, that last sentence even scared me.

So anyway, Happy Mothers day.


Friday, May 11, 2007

Yum Yak Butter!

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Lets hug now.

Only to me folks....only to me *hits forehead*.
Apparently there is some new blog out there called, "b a r f l a n d" that offers free p o r n.
So some sick fuck googler did a blog search on "barf" and "dog sex", and up came my archive with the ONLY picture of me I've ever posted.

I'm just so proud *tear*.


Joe's Five Questions:

Mr. Vegas recently asked me a few questions.
Because someone recently asked him a few questions.
Five to be exact.
It's a viscous cycle folks. (WTF is meme?)
You are next.....BRUUuuhhhHaaHAaa. >:o)
(Insert sooper dooper fancy HTML link to Joe's blog here:) Nice Keri. Real. Fancy.

  1. How many miles a month do you put on that car? I bought the vehic in February of 2003. I have put 60+-,ooo miles* on it. Woosh, that's enough math for me, I'm all tuckered out now. (*my husband car pools to work (never drives) and my work is three blocks away, so I usually walk.) Do you do all of that stuff you aren’t supposed to while driving, like eat and put on makeup? Never. No cell phone while driving either, not even hands free. My kids are in the vehic with me 99.9% of the time, and you may have read somewhere that I can be a little bit of an OCD freak? (did you all get how he snuck in another question there?)
  2. As a sex goddess, are your worshipers fully subservient? Whoa Nelly, I wasn't aware that I was an ousted sex Doggess, but now that all y'all know, you fuckers better get to kneeling. (Not really, or wait...yeah)
  3. How many text messages a day do you send? Zero. In my twelve years of having a cell phone, I think I've sent two. They were to my high school daughter replying to her text messages saying, "Aren't you supposed to be learning? and NO, I won't bring you a latte or a pop tart." If I want to talk to you, I get all old school and verbalize.
  4. What do you intend to do with your new school learning? Change careers? My skool lernin's have been halted of late. When I do go back, my focus hasn't changed. I still love every aspect of nursing/care giving...except phlegm. I have viscosity issues.
  5. Are you happy? It feels really great that this was the easiest question. Sweet Baby Buddha on a pogo stick, I am happy...ROAR!