Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Friday, April 27, 2007

Deluge


I had someone point out to me that, at times, I use my social anxiety/general anxiety as a crutch.
How very rude, making me self evaluate and be all honest with myself.
If it would have been anyone else, they may have lost a bicuspid.
This was a couple months ago.
I didn't take it very well at the time, but it has become more powerful and compelling than any advice I ever paid for.
Because it was true.
That's not who I thought I was...or who I will allow myself to be any longer.

I've made some big (drastic for me) changes.
It's felt like trying to walk on quicksand some days.
There were, and are still, some very ugly deformed mirror moments.
I have a new base level of what is acceptable, with a more demanding reflection to face every time I struggle.

I don't get mad easily, it takes quite a bit to provoke this girl.
But one of the emotions I've waded through lately is real anger...at myself.
So, I applied for, and start a new -WAY OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE- job in a few weeks.
I'll still be able to work on call with my old farts, but won't be able to hide behind my scrubs in the new job.
Oh, and it seems that I'm the "team Mom" for my boys rookie baseball team, that I signed up for without a gun to my head. I shall bring forth fruit snacks and Gatorade with gusto.
The most amazing thing is, that I'm excited about all of it.

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