Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Monday, January 01, 2007

Fucking 07

I don't do the New Years Resolutions thing, because I feel like you have to really be ready and committed for changes to be successful.
Plus, I'm usually imbibing, because of the socially acceptable method of inviting the new year.

Alcohol+Goals=poo.
BUT, this time of year is always stressful for me, and this time, it is making me frantically push the pause button.
My husbands birthday was on the 28th of December (OhMyFreakingHeckI'mMarriedToA35YearOld!) and my oldest daughter turns 15 on January 3rd.
Life.
It's fast.

I'm feeling it.
I have a daughter who is going to take Drivers Ed spring quarter.
I have a husband who is halfway to forty.
If that's not enough to wake one from a daily stupor, I don't know what is. Gah.
So here it is:

  • Too personal to even share with my brain barfing community.
  • Ditto
  • Find a way to form some sort of relationship with my "mother".

I know, I know.

Believe me I know, shut up already.

I haven't talked to her in three + years, after our latest falling out, where I had to evict her, yadda yadda yadda...

The "mother" is toxically septic on her best of days.

But I feel (and ya'll know where I work, and what I have put up with her) that I have the responsibility to MYSELF to come to some sort of piece of peace while I can. With much pressure from my siblings.

I came to a realization recently, that I don't hold my Father to the same accountability as my "mother". I generally have a good relationship with him.

He was there, he could have stopped/fixed/changed things, but didn't. Why is he off the hook?

Maybe he wasn't the one who beat me with a stick, and ripped my clothes off because I wouldn't change my school shoes, but he watched it and didn't stop it.

I'm the Mom now, and realize that I also make mistakes, and hope that my children will be able to forgive me for all of my past and future bungles.

I'm not her, I would NEVER do the things to my children that she did to me, and I'm not dismissing all her chronic denials and disingenuous acts*.

But, if calling her, a couple times of year, will ease MY guilt/pain when the final transition comes. I might be able to do that...With earplugs and valium (possibly tequila shots).

*Ahh, The ever slippery slope: I don't talk bad about my "mother" to my children, because she is their Grandmother, BUT, my daughters have seen it first hand. I have to teach them compassion BUT at the same time, instill a sense of worth and show them how not to allow people to treat them.



5 Comments:

  • At Monday, January 01, 2007 10:11:00 AM, Blogger Ann said…

    "Mother" is such a loaded term, with such baggage, that it's not surprising that you hold "Father" to a different standard. "Father" is detached, distant. Loving but cold. "Mother" is nurturing and attentive and devoted. Except, in your case, when she's not.

    I heartily endorse Tequila shots. I also heartily endorse protecting your boundaries and letting go of guilt. You can find a place between "get the hell out of my life, bitch" and enmeshed in her sick manipulation. It'd be so much easier to do, though, if she wasn't "Mother."

    Happy New Year, K. Drink one for me.

     
  • At Monday, January 01, 2007 3:44:00 PM, Blogger Phoebe said…

    "Alcohol+goals=poo" is going to be my mantra, you funny, funny girl.

    My mother did things I thought I'd never forgive her for. But you won't believe this -- time really heals. I've got ten years on you, so you have one decade to become the perfect, mother-forgiving saint that I have become. :)

    Really, though, don't beat yourself up if this doesn't happen. Sounds like you have siblings willing to be the saints of the family.

    And also really -- I don't think I've really "forgiven" anything. I'm just tired of thinking about it.

     
  • At Tuesday, January 02, 2007 9:54:00 AM, Blogger Randy said…

    Yes, I agree that you shouldn't feel guilt vis a vis your mom. All parents should be allowed a reasonably wide margin of error, but it sounds as if your mom went pretty far outside the lines. Whether or not you establish some kind of rapport with her ought to be based on something other than guilt or ceding to familial pressure. I'm all for forgiveness, but if there's no relationship to be had due to her toxicity, then you may just need to walk away.

     
  • At Tuesday, January 02, 2007 7:00:00 PM, Anonymous bel said…

    well, the wisest thing I ever heard on this was from someone I know who had been in shrinkage for a long time because of her screwy parents. She kept feeling she had to forgive them (which to her seemed to amount to accepting the crap they had dished to her as a child because "they did the best they could.") Finally the shrink said, "yes, they did the best they could. You also have to accept that 'the best they could' was actually pretty shitty."

    I don't know. It was a weight off for her anyway. And it seemed to let her off the hook as being the one who had to somehow be the "fixer." I think it's possible to come to a piece of peace without necessarily re-engaging significantly, or at all. I'm with Randy. If she's too toxic, you have a right to keep yourself and your family clear.

    And Happy New Year! You can have my New Year's drink too, if you want it. I'm not going to use it.

     
  • At Saturday, January 06, 2007 9:57:00 PM, Blogger JoeinVegas said…

    Too personal for little us?

     

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