Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Lack of tools and ONE BIG TOOL

My oldest met her DNA donor/Bio "Father" for the first time in eight years today.
He saw her once as a baby, she met him once when she was six, and then today.
My husband (her REAL father) took the day off of work, just to be emotionally available to her.
Pause the story for a bit here, how awesome is this man? He has been her, THE FATHER, since she was four years old. He has faults like every human, and being a step parent has got to be THE hardest job on the planet and he screws up, but that's what parents do, and that's why there are therapists. He truly does make an honest effort, and always has our children's best interest in mind. When we were dating, he loved my...OUR... Daughter long before he loved me, and that cemented, my loving him.

I prepared her as much as I could, because I have to walk a very fine line between talking bad about the DNA donor and protecting my daughter.
I had to work. I was mentally absent and only went through the motions, because my mind was with my daughter.
When I got home, I could tell that she had been crying and the look on her face made my heart hurt.
I didn't pry and she didn't offer much, so I did the next best thing and we snugged up on the sofa to watch a CSI DVD.
After the CSI Snuggling Event, she was tired, and said a few words before she crashed.
"Mom, I guess I just didn't realize how much of loser he really was until tonight."

I'm a muddled puddled mess.

I wouldn't change anything.
But wish, that I could fix everything.
My daughter is a beautiful, amazing, talented, strong, spirited person with a kind old soul.
My pregnancy with her is what turned me from being a death wish crack whore prostitute addict.
I've had years to recover, but have tremendous amounts of guilt about my daughter have to deal with the consequences of my poor choices.
He is going to go to church with her tomorrow, and she feels embarrassed/ashamed about him.
My tool box is empty.


  • At Sunday, December 03, 2006 6:26:00 AM, Blogger Miranda said…

    I showed this to my son since if the state of Mich. turns out to not be filled with completely incompetent monkeys, he may be meeting his own sperm donor in the nearish future. It is so hard on him and it hurts because I did this to my son so he can't talk to me about it while he sorts it out.

    Come what may, remember that you and your husband have raised her well and she will know that as she gets older.

    And this made me cry.

  • At Monday, December 04, 2006 4:26:00 PM, Blogger Ann said…

    My older son figured this out at 11, and I was not yet married to the man who became Dad. As a result, the man who became Dad walks on water.

    This is going to be really hard for her, but it will help her see her "step" dad more clearly for what he has done for her.

    That's all just platitudes and good hindsight for when she's 25. Right now, it's going to be tough. Big hugs for her from someone else who had a kid with a biodad who was a major asshole. We are more than our genetics (thank the Goddess).

  • At Monday, December 04, 2006 6:52:00 PM, Blogger Phoebe said…

    What a dear, sweet man you have married. Incredible that he would think of being there for her.

    Don't get me started -- I don't want to know.

    Yes, I do. The donor is Mormon?

    No -- I don't want to know.

    I am always blown away by how cool you and your family are. (((hugs))) for the hurts that come into your lives.

  • At Monday, December 04, 2006 8:10:00 PM, Blogger JoeinVegas said…

    As long as you are there when she has questions.


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