Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Happy 14th Birthday Beautiful Soul

I am.
I've been.
I'm going.

There is a lot of honesty in this post that most people/mothers will ever admit to...
But you know me, I run around nekkid on my blog all day.

When I was sixteen, my older sister stole a pregnancy test from a Utah Smith's store, because neither of us had the $14 it took to buy it.
We then drove to a local gas station where I found out, OK confirmed (unprotected sex, puking 24/7 and sore boulder boobs were BIG clues) that I was pregnant.
I then did everything I could to end the pregnancy. I hoped the stress alone would kill both mother and fetus.
I hated this parasite in my body who was controlling my body and changing my life.
I even made the counseling appointment for an abortion, but cancelled when I realized that wasn't something I would be able to live with.
I was also worried that with my "lifestyle" at the time, I would have had a deformed or damaged baby.
I felt her kick when I was 4 months pregnant, alone in my hidden away apartment (because I was an embarrassment to my Mormon family) in Salt Lake City.
The first of my never ending motherly "kick your ass if you even think about touching my baby" instincts kicked in.
My first encounter with pure love.
When I went into labor, the doctor wouldn't give me any meds, because I NEEDED TO LEARN MY LESSON and the nurses gave her a bottle, even though I had told them I had chosen to breastfeed, because I was just a stupid teen age mother who would no doubt leave in her in the dumpster as soon as I was released(HAH, I breast fed that baby until she could spell boobs!)

Every year on her birthday, I have a few (ocean) tears about the choice I could have made, the choices I did make and the beautiful and amazing person she has become.

I also feel guilt for choosing a worthless father for her (but not a lot because I was a child myself and she now has an amazing dad who came into her life when she was 4).

I guess I'm just reminiscing because it was just her birthday and I truly admire and am in awe of who she is and who she is becoming.

This is the bright side of your babies getting older, the fascination of who they are and who they will be despite parental failures.

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To be continued in July and June when my other babies were born.
(Posted in black for the elderly)

5 Comments:

  • At Friday, January 13, 2006 6:31:00 AM, Blogger Cjara said…

    Horray for (((((((((Keri))))))))))

    And a hundred more Happy Birthday's Keri's Miracle Daughter! :)

     
  • At Friday, January 13, 2006 11:42:00 PM, Blogger Phoebe said…

    She's beautiful. Looks so much like my daughter, and what a miracle she is too, in spite of all the turmoil that surrounded her birth. Thanks for reminding me. And my best wishes for your daughter's future.

     
  • At Saturday, January 14, 2006 12:02:00 PM, Blogger Miranda said…

    Wow, she is gorgeous. As another teen mother, I understood every word of your post.

     
  • At Saturday, January 14, 2006 4:45:00 PM, Blogger doug said…

    Loved the post Keri, thanks for being open about your experience. It only makes me admire you more.

     
  • At Tuesday, January 17, 2006 7:55:00 AM, Blogger Just Me said…

    She is gorgeous. She must look like her mom. I have a son who had a lot of challenges getting into this world and although many (f*ck 'em) think he is a substandard citizen being mentally ill and all, his life is just as valuable as anyone else's. It's not without challenges, but he has so much to offer, if people stop to WANT to see it.

     

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