Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Goopy Love Shit Ahead...

It started the day my daughter was born. Wonderfully new squishy bits of my soul and flesh now separate from me, but not.
As a mother you feel everything your child feels times ten (million).
The hurt is worse and the joy is better than anything you have previously experienced.

I remember being worried when I was pregnant with my second child, that I wouldn't have enough love left. When you love another being so completely it's hard to fathom that love for another child won't decrease love for your first child.
Of course I was wrong (I do that a lot).
Each child is an entirely new and inseparable branch of my heart.

One of my twins has recently posed a question:
"Who do you love the most mom?"
It sounds like a hard question.
I think it's very basic.
Whoever needs my love the most at the moment.
Last week it was my second daughter. She is going through the phase where, her social group is changing. She's eleven, so to her (and me), this IS the most catastrophic thing she has ever experienced.
Today it was Twin A, who had to go to the dentist.
Tomorrow it will be Oldest daughter at her first basketball game.
The next day it will be....
It is unique love, but somehow, not extra or exclusive love.
Love for my children can't be exhausted, and when one needs more, there isn't a reduction for the others.
It's not a supply and demand thing... I think it's impossible to understand if you don't have Wonderful New squishy bits of your soul walking around.
To those who worry that I obsess (why, yes I do, thank you and pass the butter) too much or question my focus:
These are my good ol' days.
These are their formative years (for which I have set aside a savings account for counseling).
Tomorrow they will graduate, move out and establish their own focal point where they won't need me anymore.
Today they need me and I AM here.
(Until they have Grandchildren who I fully intend to mess with).


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