Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

I'll get you my pretty...

One of my *good* friends, who also happens to be the staffing supervisor at the hospital where I work called me tonight.
She was upset.
She asked for some advice.
She wanted to know if I knew of a doctor who performed late term abortions.
~pause~ freak out~ stutter~
"My 15 year old is really bugging me, and I need a late term abortion"
~pause~freak out~
Laugh and snort until it hurts.
"Let me know when you find one, because I might need one soon. "

Monday, October 24, 2005


A few days ago, I discovered a tumor on one of my thirteen year olds pet rats.
She's a "fancy" rat (should this be funny?) and they are prone to tumors.
Jill, of the Jack and Jill rat duo has a tumor on her right leg and can't walk on it anymore. There just isn't much you can do for that. The vet tech pretty much laughed at me when I called.
The thirteen year old feels helpless and sad. Me too.

Today my boys were playing out back (they had an archeological dig going on, with my makeup brush as one of their "tools" because we had just watched the National Geographic, "Mystery of the Pharoahs"), so I left the back door open so I could hear them at "work".
Ms. Petunia, my eleven year olds wiener dog got out and is lost. We walked and drove around the neighbor hood for hours until the eleven year old, finally, had to go to bed. She went to bed exhausted from sobbing. She feels helpless and sad. Me too.

This whole "pet" thing has me torn. They give us so much (as in Bob the cockatiel won't shut the fuck up type of headache) and my children learn responsibility, love and loss.

Moses, our Golden Retriever is whining at the back door right now, but his pal Petunia isn't there.

I guess these are things that need to be learned: Love, responsibility, loss...
But, shouldn't my kids be exempt from pain, and if not, do they need to learn it so soon?

(I'm pretty confident that if anyone takes in the wiener, despite her tags with our number and vets number, they will soon evict her stubborn, obnoxious, smelly ass)

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Growing pains

If I teach you how to make your own oatmeal,
Will you still sit with me for breakfast?
When you learn how to tie your own shoes,
Will you still think I'm smart?
When your gangly legs hang far off my lap,
Will I still be your favorite chair?
When you find that I don't have all the answers,
Will you still ask me?
When you learn that it still hurts after I kiss it better,
Will you still need me?

Friday, October 21, 2005

3 times

He: So are we done fighting for awhile?
She: I don't know, are you done wearing your ass on your face?
He:Yeah, are you?
She: Umm, mostly.
He: So, how was your day?
She: You are just hoping for make up sex aren't you?
He: .....
She: I am out of batteries anyway.
He: I think we should still continue counseling.
She: Can we go *after* the make up sex?
He: Like, fur sure!
She: Awesome dude!

Friday, October 07, 2005

Thanks Joe!

You are Linus!

Which Peanuts Character are You?
brought to you by

I'm going to be a lesbian in my next life.

If you get divorced you screw up your children for the rest of their lives. Which is fine, but I really don't want to hear about it for the next fifty years (or less).

If you stay married, for that whole "death do you part" shit... Remember I started smoking again? Just trying to shorten things up a bit.

So if you kill someone, you go to prison for seven years and you're done!

Please send batteries.

I'm kidding, lighten the fuck up.

But, please, do send batteries (or maybe a plug in unit? Hmmm...)

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Good smelling.

Once upon a time, I had a blog...

I guess I won't miss Softball.
The thirteen year old daughter tried out for a tournament team in our neighboring town (there isn't enough girls her age for a team next year here in podunk land) and made it! She's not even a lesbian! I asked! $400 just to be on the team, and that doesn't include any tournament/travel costs. Oy. She also won the student body elections! How is this my child? She's not smoking and making out behind the band trailer? Did I mention she's in the band, plays the saxophone and ROCKS it?

I guess I won't miss my old farts either.
I'm not cutting back on my work hours like I have in previous school quarters.
Speaking of, this quarters classes are spanking my plentiful arse. Kicking, have kicked and will continue to kick. Fifteen credits seem so small when you sign up for them.

But anyway, back to my children...

My eleven year old has had a heckuva time adjusting. The two elementary schools here combine into a pre-middle? School in the fifth grade. Her classes are with all of the kids from the other elementary school. She didn't know anyone. She is painfully shy (like her mother) and had a hard time making new friends (like her mother).
We have had multiple mommy/daughter dates with much retail therapy and ice-cream.
She finally has a new best friend and (like her mothers youth), it's a boy.
It's been really tough on her...But you wouldn't know from her grades (not like her mother).

My boys. ~Sigh~ Somewhere along the line they decided to grow tall and lanky and lose baby teeth and baby fat...WITHOUT permission. They have different teachers this year. Not "different" as in "special", but more like they are in separate classrooms. It was my choice, and I was worried about it, but....They are thriving. Even Mr. Ichoosenottospeak, is reading. His amazing teacher made it a priority for her to be able to understand him. She does. I don't even know how to express how thoroughly incredible this woman is or how to repay her (because we all know her salary won't).

When I grow up, I want to be my kids.