Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Switch


As a child, my parents were emotionally absent.
Even gushing head wounds did not guarantee a noticeable nod.
I was just a number in their Mormon quest of an appropriate amount of children.
I remember waking up on one of birthdays (ignored, but say the prayer) ate breakfast (ignored, but wash the dishes) went to school and came home (ignored, but do your fucking chores), ate dinner (ignored, but read the damn scriptures) and went to bed.
I also remember a time when my "mother" beat the living shit out of me, and ripped off my clothes and shoes, because I didn't change them fast enough.
Who knew?
Anyhoo, this isn't a "woe is me" post, it is a warped thank you, to my lack of parents, for making me a better parent.
My childhood "experience" has permanently affected how I parent my own children.
Even before I had children, I vowed to always be available, and not only that, but genuinely interested and emotionally "on".
One of the most important things that I feel that I can do for my children is to look them in the eyes and hear them, understand them. Even if it's only about a lost hotwheel or a hangnail, because that is what is important to THEM at the moment.
I live and breathe for them. I am going to school FOR THEM. I owe them this much in the least. I may fail in other areas of my life...and I'm OK with that.
Of course it is tiring. It is the reason that I blog, chat and post at this hour, because they are asleep, and I can feed some of my needs.

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