Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Scrambled

I have a decision to make.
The word "decision" seems grossly inadequate.
Huge.
Permanent.
Life altering.
MAJOR emotions involved.
So complex and enormous I won't even fully comprehend the consequences of my decision until after its made.
Although my decision will deeply affect ALL that I love, and I will seek the advice or those closest to me, it is such a deeply personal decision that I have to make it based on my own truths. It is ultimately ME who has to live with my decision.
I haven't told ANYONE yet. Not even my sweetloveybuns.
I apologize for being cryptic...wait, no I don't, this is my fucking blog.
On one hand, I want to throw it out there to relieve some of the pressure, but on the other...
I'm not sure I want opinions on a decision I will have to make from my pure soul.
Yeah...it's that big.
I want to...but I'm selfish.
I don't want to...but am I selfish?
I feel like I *should* but it terrifies me.
Am I selfish or is my selflessness being preyed upon?
Would I ask this of anyone else?
Why shouldn't I?
Why would I?
How can I not?
It's really beneficial that any time my brain approaches this topic, my eyes leak and my heart hurts and mental functions halt.
Signed,
Lost

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