Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Row Bought.

What do you say to a person who is dying?
What can you say to a person who knows they are dying?

This class isn't offered anywhere.

Tonight, I looked into the eyes of a man who is dying.
He knows he is dying.
Not the type of dying we have all been doing since birth, but the acute kind.
The kind where he breathes, and notices the fact that he is still breathing and wonders how many times it will happen again. When he realizes that he may miss it, even though, now it is very difficult.
He signed the "no code" papers. He didn't want to live through those procedures. Until he faced the choice of NOT living through those procedures.
He didn't have regrets until the thoughts of not being able to resolve them faded.
He is human. Wait....so am I?
How it really feels from my side:
Helpless. The word helpless is fantastically far from adequate.
I wanted to tell him, "God is waiting for you", because I know he is a believer...But I generally suck at lying.
So....I changed his day bag to his night cath bag.
I tidied up his room.
I turned up his heat.
I brushed his hair even though he was in bed.
I rubbed his feet until they didn't ache anymore.
I adjusted his blankets.
I held his hand.
I substituted for his terminally absent family members.
I fucked all work agendas...
And I listened.
I listened.
I listened.
I listened.
I really did hear him.
I do recognize that nothing I say can halt the inevitable.
But I would like to know the words to ease...Nah...I just want a script to read.
Yes I've done/seen this MANY times, but I refuse to get used to it.

Whoa, now...Change gears. I am home now and have homework to do, children who need me and the endless list of others needs to fulfill.

Energizer LIES!

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