Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Friday, January 28, 2005

Homicidal tendencies.

There was a substitute Professor in my World Religions 201 class tonight.
His handout was on 4 theories of why God must exist.
Oh dude. Bad form.
I fucking raised my never before raised hand, higher than it has never been raised. I'm glad I shaved and wore deodorant.
Never have I spoken SO much in any class.
It caused one of my glorious rashes and increased heart rate and blood pressure rates but it was worth it (to me).
I politely pointed out to him that all of his "examples" were from a skewed western Christian (Christina) point of view, therefore they weren't valid in a class on WORLD religions.
Then I "exchanged words" with a black Christian class member.
When the Professor quit calling on me, I commenced controlled commenting.
For some reason the class ended early.
1-I made it to my car safely and live to tell the tale.
2-I want a refund on today's class.
The real pisser is, he didn't even take roll. I could have ditched and spared my blood vessels and epidermis.
Fucking Aesops Fables.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

IT shay.

I had one of *those* moments today.
One of those life moments when your brain finally realizes something that the rest of your person has been trying not to acknowledge. You could say I had an epiphany, but not a good one.
It hurt. It still hurts.
My world halted, tried to start again but only wobbled on it's axis.
I now have to re-evaluate every life principal I've ever formed.

I was on the shitter downloading some brownware and marveling at the amount foul aromas my Pangaea ass could create (eggs for breakfast), even without alcohol, when IT hit me.

My husband doesn't shit at home.
OH MY doG.
Do you know what this means?
My life partner, nay, my eternal companion is a public pooper. EVEN...Even a habitual regular public pooper.
Just try and wrap your brain around that.
How could it have come to this? Where did I go wrong? How can I share a bed with a man who drops his kids off at the pool in PUBLIC?
The eternal optimist in me insists that I should be thankful for the money saved on air fresheners, toilet paper, comic books and plumbers...But....BUTT...
There is just something so very inherently sick and wrong with Public Pooping People (PPP).
Personally? I have a sphincter of steel. No amount of prairie dogging could make me to submit to the unspeakable horrors of public restroom squatting and loaf pinching.
Not even with a courtesy flush and a cough cover could I conduct a movement in public.
NEVER.
Enn Ee Vee Ee Are.
I'm going to suggest counseling and a sphincter pilate class.
It's the only hope.







Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Sack Sweat

On the first day of my World Religions 201 class the Professor asked us to write a small summary on the reason we were taking the class.
I put, "know thine enemy" and 5 easy credits. Now I don't really feel this way and
I may have started off on the wrong foot, but I'm an Atheist with a big mouth accompanied by a very smart ass. I just can't help myself sometimes.
I'm loving this class. I even look forward to this class. It is fascinating to me. So interesting in fact that I wish the class was longer and the Proff could go more in depth with each religion we are studying.
I get SO annoyed when dipshits raise their hands in class and ask stupid questions (like, how can GOD not exist, when Hinduism, Jainism, Sikkhism and Buddhism that we are currently studying are all atheistic religions in nature) because it takes away from the professors lecturing time.
I've also discovered that I may be a smidge competitive. Some chick had the nerve to turn in one of the 4 papers we are required to write this month last Thursday. They aren't even due until Feb 1st.
I guess I might have slammed out all four last weekend plus an extra credit paper on Shamanism and turned them in today.
I may have even done a "in your face-smack that shit-fuck you jig" while walking up to turn them in.
The professor does everything he can to teach from a neutral stand point and does it quite well, but I can tell he is has some sort of Christina background by the way he quotes the Bible AND he pronounces my very Mormon surname correctly, which no one ever does.
In my exmo duties I scan for garment wearing every day*.
I make the world a safer place.
*Cue Super Exmo Woman Atheist music now*

I triple dog dare you to answer these.

1.) If I had to wear my philosophy of life as a motto on a t-shirt, what would it be? THIS is the moment.
2.) When was the last time I experienced joy? Not just pleasure, JOY? For me this is easy, I get pure joy from my kids all the time.
3.) Is there anything unfinished in my life that I'm willing to walk away from? Yes, but I can only think of one thing and I did WAY more than my part. I can't control others.
4.) Am I inhibited by fear or failing? I have been, but now I just strap a snow plow onto my chest and trudge ahead.
5.) If I were able to take my 10-year-old self out to lunch, what would he/she think of me? I think she would say, "you mean that's it?"
6.) Do I believe in God and or I have spiritual beliefs that are truly my own, not someone else's? I do not believe in the standard "Christina doG". I don't profess or try to know things that any human can't possibly know. My beliefs, or lack thereof are absolutely unique to me.
7.) Have I made a home for myself or am I still waiting for my Real Life to begin? What's keeping me from saying this is my Real Life right now? I have a home, and real life wakes me up everyday at 6:15.
8.) How do I envision myself at age 60 and what would I like to look like? I'll be wrinkly and crotchety and I can't wait to give those nurses hell!
9.) Am I living my life for an audience? If the audience is my family, yes. Any other audience would have asked for a refund by now.
10.) What can I do about the people I have disappointed and been disappointed by in my life? Deal with it, people fuck up. I do have limits though.

Friday, January 21, 2005

May the hair on your toes never fall out.

Today I:

  • Woke up, the hardest part of my day.
  • Loved my children intensely and smooched the ones I could catch and over power.
  • Fed, clothed and got four children off to school.
  • Talked to 2 of my 3 sisters.
  • Talked to my Grandma and was overwhelmed with love when she pronounced "Guatemala" as "Gwallamalla", where my younger sister is currently.
  • Washed my new cell phone along with a load of jeans...nice one Keri.
  • Did anything I could think of but the standard housewife shit.
  • Wasted time on-line.
  • Washed the dishes.
  • Wasted precious time on-line.
  • Mopped all hardwood and tile surfaces.
  • Read chapters 5 & 6 in History of the worlds religions.
  • Got four children home from school.
  • Cooked, but ran out of time to eat a yummy dinner because of the previously mentioned on-line time wasting.
  • Loved my children intensely and smooched the ones I could catch and over power.
  • Made sure panties and bra matched and toenail polish wasn't chipped.
  • Went to my religion 201 class and re-affirmed that I am an anti-theist agnostic.
  • Didn't kill a 13 year old daughter.
  • Wrote a two page paper on Jainism.
  • Ate a yummy warmed up turkey burger.
  • Puked about the amount spent on an inaugural for a dude who believes his imaginary friend speaks to him and tells him how to run this country.
  • Didn't wash the dishes.
  • Loved my children intensely and smooched the ones I could catch and over power.
  • Wrote in my blog.
  • Wasted some not so precious time on-line.
  • Stressed about the dishes.
  • Didn't read chapters 4 & 5 for English Comp.
  • Went to bed and slept soundly for eight hours....OK now I'm lying.





Tuesday, January 18, 2005

So Schmo(e) wants to talk about sex...

How about this weather? What is the meaning of life? What about this NFL? What a seriously fucked up season this was. When even big fat lame ass losers make it to the play offs to....Let me see...LOSE. Fucking losers. Did I mention they lost? Hasta la taco Holmgren.
Guaranteed there will be no hockey nor sex talk on THIS blog.
Unless of course it's my idea.
I would love to post my schedule like my much admired friend Ms. Bard, but...BUT...I am painfully shy and I know that stalkers totally dig married chicks with 4 kids, Pangaea asses, who have social and generalized anxiety disorders.
Oh doG at least I crack myself up.
But seriously (its my blog, I can start sentences with but, and, so or anything else I feel like, don't make me start acronyming), my schedule is crazy. It was crazy before I started school.
OK math geniuses. Q? 4 kids, 1 spouse, 1 household, 2 dogs, full time school, on-call/partime work and throw in the flu for shits and giggles on a train going 50 miles an hour in reverse = = = = ?
A? Me, glorious rash inflicted perversely happy me, in scrubs no less.

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Bonus question. Q? How many times do I have to tell blogger spell check to learn the word "fucking" before it actually LEARNS.


Friday, January 14, 2005

Delete this first thing in the morning.

I read a great analogy in my English Comp text.
The brain can only sustain 7-9 thoughts at one time.
A humans brain, when trying to think and compose, is like trying to organize a vast warehouse with a pen-light.
Dude, get me some fucking batteries.
My first papers rough draft is due Wednesday. The topic is (oh pathetically please) A persuasive essay, from a journalistic point of view, convincing readers to visit the place you write about.
BUT, the dipshit Professor insists that you MUST have visited the place you write about. Hold please while I phone every Journalist in America and verify my opinion that most of them have never seen the border.
I want to write about the orphanage in India where two of my sisters volunteered at for one summer. I have the knowledge necessary to write a most excellent essay (with pictures and visual aids) because I lived it with them as much as anyone could through daily emails....And one of my sisters lived with me before and after she went to India. Sari ass.
OK, fine Mrs. Professor HoeBag, you want to limit me? You wanna take it outside? Then here is my first page rough draft...
The Vaginal Islands. By Keri Nobody:
The bushes are scarce here, but what it lacks in foliage, it makes it up in heat, humidity and adventure.
This place is visited often, but only a select few have ever been given a passport.
The piercing hood must be observed by those adventurous enough to venture in this demanding oasis.
Princes and Alberts must use caution when exploring to avoid entanglement.
Adventurers would be well advised to bring their spelunking gear, as the natural light in this warm and moist place is very limited.
Maps are readily available, but not exactly accurate in this exotic place.
The Area-G is well documented, but reportedly still hard to find and results are questionable.

That's right, try and squash my creational abilities and see if it back fires on your ass Professor HoeBag.

Again, the "Publish Post" button is red for a reason.

Oh, you KNOW you want to comment...

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Get real.

I've made it two weeks into my college classes, I even got a sparkly bracelet for it! I'm actually enjoying my classes quite a bit, but I feel like it is only a matter of time before the professor calls me up to the front of the class and points a crooked finger at me and yells FAKER! You can't be in this class because you are a big dumb stoopey head...and umm....You're OLD!
In truth, my classes aren't as challenging as I thought they would be. My English Comp teacher has already pulled me aside to praise my writing and I'm feeling very confident of getting good grades but I have this whole insecure thing going on. This inner demon voice that talks WAY too fucking much negative trash. Oh and the rash we can't forget my glorious nervous rash that makes my entire neck and chest turn a beautiful shade of "bleeding hemorrhoid" red.
I know that my insecurities are the very least attractive thing about me (except maybe my Pangaea ass). Great, so any time I start feeling insecure/anxious/depressed, my self esteem gets about as low as a worm fart...And that, my fellow bloggers, is pretty damn low... And stinky.
I refuse to take pills. I've tried a few different ones and I refuse to spend my life dependent on a pill, so I put myself between a rock and a cock, oops I mean hard place.
It gives me nervous cramps me to have a big toe back into the big ol' world pool, and the husband says I can't wear my tinfoil helmet to class. Booger.

I do want to say thanks to my blogging buddies for all the nice shit you say.
It is not so much our friends' help that helps us, as the confidence of their help. -Epicurus-
Of all the things which wisdom provides to make us entirely happy, much the greatest is the possession of friendship.
-Epicurus-

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

My lips hurt real bad....

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Prepare yourself for a flipping sweet test.
Which Napolean Dynamite Character are you?

I'm:
Napoleon
Napoleon Dyanamite
Which Napoleon Dynamite character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Click on those itsy bitsy dots right up there to the left, because I don't have mad HTML skilzz.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Sad news for Schmoe's wee one.

I found Nemo...
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I bought you a beautiful bass.

Yes,I'm supposed to be reading Chapter 3 on early Hinduism, because this is my only free time during the day.
I'd rather blog thank you very much.
You may need a hanky for this story, I did.
I got home from school last night about Ten-ish and headed straight for the computer, of course ;o). On my computer there was a piece of paper taped to the screen. It said MOM MOM mom mom mom mom in graduating sizes with an arrow pointing down to a letter. I noticed it was my 10 year old daughters super special stationary that she got for Christmas (because she is super special and loves to write letters). Her letter follows verbatim.
Dear Mom,
I love you. I wanted to give you this because you made it a few days into college!!
I love you Mom,
Heart Heart Heart
SnuggyBear*

Inside was a bracelet that she made for me out of a beading kit she got for Christmas.
So what if it scratched the crap out of my face and wrist all night, I'm wearing it.

*Name changed to protect the snuggy bear.

Saturday, January 08, 2005

Tell this to my speech Professor.

"The time when most of you should withdraw into yourself is when you are forced to be in a crowd".
-Epicurus-
I personally think that I should get extra credit for the glorious rash this class generates.
Just Power Point me to the nearest cliff please.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Positive thinking.

The good thing about going to school at night, is that you drive home in the dark. You can totally pick your nose and sing Freebird and Bobby McGee like the true rock star your inner spirit knows you are.
Let me just say that out of my classes, Religion 201 is my favorite.
If I make it through this quarter without going to prison for strangling stupid people I will feel that I have been successful in my college experience.
Really, I'm loving this school thing. I feel like such a big kid. With my books and backpack and pencils. Even though I'm one of the old farts in class.
No, y'all aint gettin' no purdy calluge pitcher like Feeby posted.