Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Monday, November 29, 2004

Dawn of the dead.

I didn't want to post, but Miranda has spoken.
Where are my rights I ask? Where? Wait...wait....Miranda rights! Anything I say can and will be used against me in a court of law!
Fuck it.
I've been on a horror flick kick since Halloween. I've watched just about every worthwhile horror/gore flick out there, and some very VERY not worthwhile. I'm open to recommendations, and I have a few also.
So this is my question.
If my life is the horror flick. Would viewers be yelling, "no you stupid bitch, don't do that, nobody that does that survives, just hack his head off, you're not really going to do that are you? Jason isn't dead, what are you going back (to school) in the barn for? Just run."
Or would viewers be saying, "dude, this chick might actually survive. This movie sucks, is she actually going to survive? Chicks with a brain attached are so lame. I want my money back."


Tuesday, November 23, 2004

I'd like to welcome Buford.

Confessions of a 30 year old hermit.
I wear my sunglasses at night (because I grew up in the 80's, fuck off).
I have a HUGE zit on my ass (named Buford).
I poked a badger with a spoon (original sin, eh Eddie?).
I ate Vienna sausages when I was 10 (because I ran away to our well house, and I was going to survive solely on them).
I don't care how bad Vin diesels movies suck, I still watch them (its the voice, the pecs and the abs that matter here, not the talent).
I have touched up my toenail polish instead of completely removing and redoing it before (yes I'm sick).
I let my Golden Retriever sleep on the foot of my bed, but not my Daschund (strictly for the heat value).
I drank Busch Light beer....Twice...oh my dog...the horror (I can't justify these actions).
I have roots. That's right, I've gone too long without coloring my hair and I have roots (I'm such a trend setter).
I don't post enough at the fruitstand, like Schmoe says, "I hit and run" (because I'm so damn shy).
I wear white after labor day (oh, get fucking real).

I have listened to Eminem (because I'm a 30 year old nerd in age denial).

I thieved a "big roll" of toliet paper from a "Wendy's" before because I didn't have any (those last forever!).

In conclusion. I really want to wish all of my friends, Brian, Brian, John, John, Tim, Jo, Joe, Joe, Schmoe, Pheobe, Bard, Ms.Banana, Ciara, Dumpster, Dig dug, China man, MonRow, TS, Monti with an "E", Kristen, Tom, Jason, Ryan, Raymond, Jeff, Jen, Kat and all of those I've momentarily spaced...

And my family, you know who you are and I'm not going to list you...

A Very Happy Thanksgiving, whether you celebrate it or not. With a large side of Tofurkey! :o)



Sunday, November 21, 2004

The meaning of life.

Why DID that turkey cross the road?
Especially so near Thanksgiving?
That's just a plain suicidal Turkey if you ask me.
And just what are the odds of a turkey crossing the road in the middle of the day in downtown Wenatchee when I just happen to be speeding through?
I guess it will be Tofurkey this year.
Oh, with Pumpkin cheescake.
Bought from "The Costcos" as my Grandmother says.
Of course, she also says, "Brother Hussein, and Sister Winfrey".

Saturday, November 20, 2004

My sister, guest writing on my blog.

"My mom is dying of cancer WHAT can you do?"
I'll go tell the nurse.
Wait...wait...I AM the nurse.
I can't run and hide.
I have "RN" on my badge.
I am the one who is supposed to have the answers.
I'm finding that often, my answer is -I just don't know- With four years of schooling to back up this -I don't know-.
I can't change your moms diagnosis. What CAN I do?
What can I do for you, most importantly, what can I do for your mom?
I'll do everything I can, but you also have to tell me what you think I can do?
The true story is, because of her childrens age, she had things that she felt she had to be there for, so her struggle was prolonged for quite awhile.
But at the end stages, she didn't want her children to suffer any more than they already had.
Her wish, was to never die at a "hospital" (because hospitals are where people go to get better), but to die at home. But...should her children leave school for this?
When her children finally made it to her "hospital" room, she hadn't moved or talked for days.
When the time finally came that her husband and her three children were all in the same room with here, surrounding her "hospital" bed.
A mother, daughter and a wife.
Who had been incoherent and incontinent for three days, asked to get up and go to the bedside comode to urinate. Her children and husband wanted to do their part and show their love for her and proceeded to help her back to bed and in doing so came to the realization that their mother was not willing to die nor let go without THEIR permission.
As a nurse, not only having to work around IV lines, humans, human emotions and foley catheters, I found myself trying to figure out how to get my patient to bed without her losing physical contact with those she loved.
The patient/mother/wife did NOT want to go back to the hospital bed. But with pleading and begging of her family, she succumbed and laid back down.
I hope her children will never forget her last efforts. Her last energy and efforts she used for their benefit, because she held on for them.
When the family has no other safe outlet for their anger, grief, and pain it is often focused on the nurse/caregiver.
As the nurse. HONESTLY, I was very relieved knowing that if the "patient" survived my shift that I had two days off and she wouldn't be here in two more days.
I can't stop death, but I try to avoid it on my watch.
Death at times is a blessing, but I just don't want it to be on my shift and I don't think that's wrong. I know they're going to die on somebody's shift. Just save your "enough is enough" for the day shift.
In nursing school you are only taught how to keep people alive.
That's the truth folks. Like or leave it, it's still the human weakness truth.
And I'm one of those "humans" you may have read about.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

Road Kill

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Taken by John Van't Slot in Guyana.

Franco Sarto

Boy oh boy did I give you and my wallet a work out today!
Without my usual internet and phone social outlet, I went shopping.
Yes I did.
This next sentence is all caps because it deserves to be.
ALL BY MYSELF
The mere fact that I left the house for purposes not work related is a fucking miracle in itself. But I did it alone without the threat of death!?
Not even kids to hide my social anxieties behind.
The wallet suffered...but...but....I think I *may* have enjoyed myself.
Is this the beginning of the end of my self induced social asylum?
Naw, I think not. Chin up, tomorrow is another day.
Whew.
Oh wait, I didn't mean to shirk my bleeding hemmrhoidal posting responsibilities, but she wasn't on my duty (doody) list tonight.
There was this one resident though, her last name was West. Very fitting, because she had some VERY wicked witch fecal eliminations. Frequently all the way down the hall and in her shoes. Damn, fecal matter is very difficult to get out of carpet and shoe laces!

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Resigned.

Resigned to posting happy funny shit that is.
I got 3 out of 4 school photos back today.
10 year old daughter: "OK camera flash wielding dude you are totally freaking me out, I'm just going to force a smile before you smack me with that rubber chicken and then I'm going to RUN like sharky sharky is after me."
5 year old Twin A: "Dude, rock on, you kinda remind me of my dad, you get a half smile with an eye twinkle.
5 year old Twin B: "I'm scared out of my brains and this dude keeps shaking the chicken, don't show fear....they can smell fear!"
Well that was $75 down the drain. Not really, my kids are inherently cute

On another note. Rats kick ass. Ms. Jack Rat knows her name. She knows my voice and when I walk into the room, all four paws are on the cage door, as if she is saying "you are the pumpkin seed Goddess, I worship thee."

Yet another note, the view of the external hemorrhoids were bleeding tonight. YES!! I love my job!

Because I didn't get my 12 year old daughters pictures back today, I MUST post a picture of her, in her own personal version of raking the leaves. I just can't "leaf" her out. How wise is she to consider the source? Oh, and that leaf glue I used didn't work worth shit.

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Saturday, November 13, 2004

Introducing!!

The all new and un-improved *Disposable Keri Doll!
Be the first on your block to own one!
Pull her string, and if you don't like what she has to say, then Joy of Joys just throw her in the trash!
If she says something you don't like, don't waste your time giving her the benefit of the doubt, just chuck her in the can! Yeah!
How wonderful!
Coming soon, the Keri Puppet, where you can have her say anything you like!
*Not recommended for children under 10 and people who have no sense of humor.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Anti-Swayze

Please.
For the love of Dog.
Don't dial my cell phone.
Don't contribute to the sickness.
Don't give Cumparasita a chance.
It rings and all my sensibilities fly out the window.
The ring tone itself is quite innocent and delightful. The activity it produces is not. Cumparasita in itself is not the evil to be thwarted. The lame nerdy dance that ensues with each ring IS the problem here.
Possibly you can imagine the rest?
Why oh why does this ring (wring) tone hold power over me?
OK, Fore Too Fyve Ate Threa Won......Oh wait.....Cumparasita....You have NO power over me!

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

If Tim can. I can.

Do the can can, do the can can...nah...not that.
I saw some seriously amazing external hemorrhoids tonight. YES!! That is why I'm going back to school!
I gave my notice at work today. OK, fine, I took it back. My DNS (at this hour, I'm fairly certain that DNS stands for Director of Nursing Services) said, "NO! You can't!" I said, "YES I can!!" She said, "please!?!?" I said, "OK I'll stay on-call." (Is this a musical in the makes?)
Good enough. I don't think I could have gone cold turkey off of old farts.
But back to the topic.
If Tim can, I can.
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Tim is hot by the way.
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And I'm not.
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Disclaimer: The photographer and subject of this photo may or may have not been in an "altered state".
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You can't really expect me to post a serious photo when I can't even type serious?
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Too late, I deleted it.
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Fuckers!!! Are you still here?!?!!?

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OK, this is my "Why the fuck am I trying to stick my tongue out, not laugh and look smashing?" face. And to Whom it may concern, my hat is NOT frilly! (Yes I fucking know you can't start a sentence with "and", but I don't follow rules well).
Any wrinkles you may or may not have imagined in this photo are purely pixel errors.
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Oh Jeezy Kreezy, this photo is scary......you may have nightmares.


Friday, November 05, 2004

Steaming, Chunky, Warm Puke Soup

How much puke can two Five year olds puke if two five years old could chuck puke and one is on a train going 55 miles per hour and.... OK let's just say there has been significant amounts of projectile vomitting around here lately.
I feel the need to sing...
The house is alive, with the sound of Baaaarrrfing....
With Puke they have barfed for a thousand Yeeeeeaarrrss....
Oh Dog I need a break, I'm going to go call work and ask them to let me come in. Shitty "Depends" will be a change from puke at least.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Our Falling Roman Empire in the sea of RED

I just hope that the US can survive the next four years.
Oh, and the 4 years after that when Ms. Hellory Clingon will run for president.
I'm proud to be a Blue Washington State resident/voter at this moment, but I'm seriously thinking I would like to move deep south somewhere or out of this country entirely when the international community finally decides to revolt against the sickness known as Bush.
Canucks and looneys are sounding pretty fucking good right now (scooby and shaggy?)