Brain Barf

May contain traces of nuts.

Thursday, August 12, 2004

In my best Richard Dawson voice.....Survey Says!!!

I'm a freaking whacko.
For the first time, limited edition, where available, in surround sound, you are going to hear the voices in my head.
Dialogue form.
"Hey Keri, I'm really swamped can you pick up residents 301, 316 and 330? " Of course, no problem. (Sure, I don't mind working my ass off AGAIN on your shift so your dimpled fat ass can look good, I really fucking appreciate how you left the heavy care residents for me. I'm sure they won't mind inferior care because of your laziness.)
"Hey Sis, I moving next weekend, can you help me out?" 'Of course, no problem.' (Not that I've moved your butt 5 times in the last 2 years while your worthless lazy ass husband pursued his own dreams, and seems to only show up long enough to impregnate you, but sure what the fuck I'll sacrifice MORE of my time just to help you move, even though I know you'll be back in 2 months, and even though I know you can't and won't return the favor. I've got all the time in the WORLD.)
"Hey Mom, this dinner is totally like sick OUT!" 'I'm sorry, what can I get you?' (Grey Poupon? You're right, I really should rush around MORE and try to get a better dinner fixed before I have to go to work, Crock pot dinners are what I really really hoped to focus on more in my life, and I am already looking forward to the dishes in the sink when I get home.)
"Arf Arf Arf?" 'Of course Petunia, I'm sure you didn't mean to, you just have a weak anal sphincter.' (If you shit on my fucking rug one more time wiener vorshtel, I'm going to take your color, shape and size into consideration and send you airborne like the Dog damn football you resemble.)
"Hack, cough, snort, well ma'am, the repair bill is twice what we quoted you, and I tracked mud all through your house, and my putrid sweaty ass print is still evident on your leather sofa, and I left floater Lincoln log in your toilet so big that you will have to break it apart with your plunger to get it to flush, but we take personal checks, visa and mastercard." 'Oh shuckky darn, such is life, where do I sign?' (If you drip your nasty ass sweat anywhere else on my floor or furniture, or if another foul smell erupts from any of your orifices, or if you bend over one more time and reveal the crack, I'm taking my luck with the slot machines and inserting a quarter -sans gloved hand- into your very own personal slot machine and pulling the "lever" to just see what the fuck comes out. And if you don't have the decency to shave those nasty forlorn lost hairs, then at least braid them. Got that? Mm-Kay? and my face is up here you sick nasty indigenous black toothed pervert.)
OH Jeebus, I'm on a roll, I need to stop before I get really offensive.

In my best Jack Nicholson singing voice....~Always look on the bright side of your life~ Go sell crazy somewhere else, we're all full up here.

That last post....down there....was #30. Very tempting to stop at 30. Very VERY tempting. Maybe I should have. Maybe you wish I had. ;o)
Yet here is #31 ~sigh~
Save a shopping cart and a stray cat for me, I'm well on my way, and if I'm going to be running naked through the streets, then I had better get to the tanning beds.
Anonymous ;o)


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